Monday, August 23, 2004

a bear with little brain......

Yes.... one could compare me with Winnie the Pooh some days. Today might be one?

Meanwhile today - driving home I couldn't help but notice the daffodils that are starting to bloom everywhere! Spring has sprung!

Was reminded of this one....


She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,
She wore her greenest gown;
She turned to the south wind
And curtsied up and down.
She turned to the sunlight
And shook her yellow head,
And whispered to her neighbour,
"Winter is dead."

Pretty much paints the picture of spring. Even found some tulips at a flower store today. They are just so beautiful.... poking their heads out of the green.

Still on the mission to try and grow some.... although, finding the bulbs is proving to be a mission.
Interesting though.... Who would have thought that you could force these things? hehe

I have a job interview on Wednesday - which is kind of cool. Not sure what to really expect, or how to prepare for it, as such. Will talk to a friend who manages a store in the North Island, and see what he can tell me. Shed some light, maybe?
When the lady rang today, she certainly gave the impression that no one really knows what I do down here now. haha. It does still annoy me that the company has zero vision for this position that I'm in now, and can't see the potential. Still..... I'll see what I can say to stir things up.

Just finished preparing for Praise and Worship tomorrow.... not sure about it all though. Need to think about some of the links. The passion is returning - though I'm not sure how to really channel it all. Or better yet, figure out the expectations that are there.
I'm just feeling so tired right now. My glands are super swollen, and throat has felt like I've had a huge wad of cotton wool in it all day. Quite funny.... and at the same time - annoying as anything! I feel like I've been so run down for so long, and it's just about to take me out again. ARHG! Worse, I hate complaining about it!

So..... moving right along.....

Went through a phase a while ago where I was convinced that very few people understood me. I'm there again. Funny little circle that one can go round and round.
You know how you think you're ok, you can be yourself around people, and they will get it. I realise that it's not always the case.... but it's actually so disheartening to come to a place where you begin to wonder if they do understand.
I don't think I'm some huge mystery. I certainly don't want to be.... and yet.... is it just because I don't open up so easily that it makes it so much stranger to people?
Maybe they are trying to put me in that box....and I'm doing everything I can to burst out? Fear?
Unpredictability taking over?
Is it that they are right and I don't want to acknowledge what they know? It's an ugly side? I don't know!!!!
I'm super annoyed with it all. but in saying that, I don't know what I want? I know that Nig has moments where he doesn't get it. Jacx certainly does. While I was round at her place the other night it was just like there was a HUGE gap between us. I don't know why. I guess i'm trying to figure out how I fit into this new life of hers.... tiptoeing around her relationship with Shayne, and being super careful about not demanding anything of her.... but in doing that, I guess I've managed to put a wall up between us too.

Mike seems to have formed this opinion of me, and I don't like it.... it's like I let him see abit more, and now, I'm this hopeless case who needs to see a therapist to get my problems sorted out. ARHG! That frustrates me so much. I don't know what frustrates me more... the fact that I'm in that box, the fact that he might be right, or the fact that I let him see that much of me?
I feel all unbalanced.... and I don't know how to right myself...... falling.......

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" Albert Einstein

Emotionally.... I'm ok. Being tired will always knock my emotions alittle skew, but it's not bad. I'm looking forward to the next stage.... knowing which direction it was going to go in would be nice. hehe. BUT, the unkown is good too. Adentures. I need to actually put thoughts into action, and not just let everything pass me by.

Time to be alive!
Kia kaha

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