Tuesday, August 31, 2004

blue moon...

Yes, tonight is the night of the blue moon!! Looks beautiful too.

A bit of madness to boot. :o)

Benny called last night to let me know that he was back in the country.... yay!! Of course, this also meant dealing with the fact that his car has been a garden ornament for the last 2 months. Yes, a sore point in my life......

So... he came into work today, which meant I also got to catch up with his Mum too, which is always fun! Tonight, he was lucky enough to be around for a chickflick!! What a lucky guy. Such perfect timing - not everyone is as lucky as to get to join me at such an event. (Yes, there were a few tears shed)
From there - Mexican. YUMMY stuff.... even went for a corona, which I haven't had in ages. Time flies when you're just catching up with someone. Has been great.
So now he's crashed out in the living room.... not even sure if I'll see him again before he leaves? Be abit of a bummer....

He kind of threw a spanner in my world by asking if I would be interested in joining him on the hollyford track, working at one of the huts along the walkway for the summer.....
actually sounds like quite an awesome job for 6 months! Pretty much doing all the cooking and cleaning in the hut while people are staying, which is only every other day, and it's only 10 days on 4 days off - which would be sweet. Pretty busy, but very cool! :o) Tough one, especially when I have my interview in Auckland next Friday. Hmmmmmmmm... could pretty much say that I would be paid more doing this one, then the security, but it's only 6 months - which is a bonus, and not all at the same time. Could save my pennies furiously, and then just take off. Yes, the idea of just saying goodbye to the obligations and responsibilities of my life. hahaha

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........... will have to let that one fester. Jiljane just stared at me when she realised I was actually taking this seriously.
Kayaking during the days, hanging out in the bush when there wasn't anyone staying.... what a tough summer... the rest of the time, socialising, cooking... ok cleaning I could skip - but I can handle it too.... love the whole hospitality thing... would be a good breakin period to see if I would actually enjoy the backpacker life style. :o)

All madness....
with those thoughts - I go to howl at the moon.

Ka kite

Saturday, August 28, 2004


Yes, t'is a sad night.....

Mikey man has gone and flown off to England for 5 weeks.
Hmmmmmmmm... does this mean sleep?

Actually, he seems convinced that I will replace him with someone else by the time he gets back. I can't help but wonder why? Is it that he believes he's replaceable, or that he wants to be replaced?

Talked to Mum this morning. She had been up looking after Nana for a few days, so got to finally hear how she is doing. Doesn't sound all rosey, which isn't what i wanted to hear. She's finished her treatment, and has just started to loose her hair, as well as being exhausted, she's been pretty grumpy. My poor cousin who has been looking after her finds that part tough - only because this isn't a side any of us have ever really seen in her. She's always been the docile, small nana, who doesn't get mad.... although she will tell you, that when she's mad, you really know about it - much like with Dad. I just don't know that I want to see that. Mum's not sure that she's going to get better at all, before she gets worse, which is never something you want to hear. Seems the treatment may just delay it all for abit, but is it worth it? The side effects are so terrible.

Seems that the company will be flying me North - so will have at least a weekend up there with her soon. (more interviews... all going to plan)

Right.... itching like mad, so better take pills, and sleep.


Thursday, August 26, 2004

toes wiggling

Don't you love it when you waltz into the doctors office, explain your ailment, and are told.....


Yeah, not exactly what I was hoping for either.... man, I'm still itching like anything.... and I mean, I'm covered in this rash, even the palms of my hands, and soles of my feet. Yeah - you spend your life worrying about hairs growing there, never giving thought to the day when you find you are itching them like mad! haha

So..... they took gallons of blood to sample, (no exaggeration, I promise!) to test anything and everything, and maybe we'll know something tomorrow?
I get to itch.

I'm actually not feeling as bad right now as I did last night.... as far as being able to move my neck and swallowing is a little easier. Everything still tastes like cardboard. haha... which technically should help the diet - right?! Who wants to eat cardboard?!

So... today zoomed by, and I don't actually know what happened. Seemed the middle of the day was taken up with the doctors, picking up prescriptions, getting bloods done.... not very exciting - huh.
Oh, did get to the library...... found a couple of N. Sparks books that I've wanted to read for ages, so that's all good. About to go and curl up with them now..... for a little while. Maybe even sleep a little?

Exciting stuff - snow is on it's way again!! Down to 200m tonight, so something might happen. I might even hear something about my job too? Tomorrow looks good! :o)

Hope the sun is shining between your toes....


Wednesday, August 25, 2004


Well, the interview went really well.....
Funny how you never really know what your chances are after you leave.... all you know is that you survived, and can feel good about everything that you said. I couldn't have done more, and I'm happy with that.
It was kind of hard being interviewed by someone who wouldn't actually be employing me, and had a list of questions to ask me for the Boss. Still, if nothing else.... I will have a contract by the end of next week - which is something HUGE! hehe. She was horrified at that aspect. So, I should hear something by the end of next week - which will either be YES, or a trip to Auckland to go through some more questions. Always a good experience to go through these things.

Meanwhile..... I'm completely thrashed. Guessing that I've got the mumps. HAHA!!! Ains is so funny, having a nurse around the house has it's bonuses. Still, who gets the mumps? Just feels like I've strained my neck, and my throat is jammed with who knows what? Chocolate doesn't even taste good. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO???
So.... I guess I need to go to the doctor tomorrow.... the joys. I guess anti-biotics will kick it. I certainly hope so.... I like chocolate! :o)

Was going to curl up in front of the fire tonight and watch Amelie.... but I can't even be bothered doing that - so to bed I go with a book. Gotta be good.


Tuesday, August 24, 2004


Have the big job interview tomorrow...... ohhhhhhhh......

So... need to try and get a better nights sleep tonight. Sleep pretty much eluded me last night. Ended up reading till the wee hours, which was stupid. My own fault.... could not be blamed for any big thoughts though. :o) Makes for a change.

Had a great catch up with Jacx tonight..... lost my voice after singing, which is always funny.... but managed to whisper away for a good while. Talking about next year.... hardly far away now, which is just wild. Where do the years go?
There is a music training course going on in Nashville next Feb, which I was thinking about today.... time to pick up the passions, and just run with them.

Actually.... got a surprise sms last night from my friend Rach... proof again that I'm just so sappy - but at the same time, one of those surprise messages that is just encouraging at the right time. Funny.... absolutely no reason for it - especially when I haven't spoken to her since I saw her a few weeks ago now. It was just very cool.

Mike keeps hoping for something huge in here - juicy gossip? No idea what he's waiting for?

Will have to ponder that one, and maybe come up with something brilliant while he's over in England... to keep him guessing? Hmmmmmmm.....

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life and to be needed."
~ Storm Jameson ~

Monday, August 23, 2004

"Brevity may be the soul of wit, but not when someones saying, I love you. By Judith Viorst"

something to ponder....

that.... and what are you grateful for today?
In amongst everything else..... life is GOOD!

a bear with little brain......

Yes.... one could compare me with Winnie the Pooh some days. Today might be one?

Meanwhile today - driving home I couldn't help but notice the daffodils that are starting to bloom everywhere! Spring has sprung!

Was reminded of this one....


She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,
She wore her greenest gown;
She turned to the south wind
And curtsied up and down.
She turned to the sunlight
And shook her yellow head,
And whispered to her neighbour,
"Winter is dead."

Pretty much paints the picture of spring. Even found some tulips at a flower store today. They are just so beautiful.... poking their heads out of the green.

Still on the mission to try and grow some.... although, finding the bulbs is proving to be a mission.
Interesting though.... Who would have thought that you could force these things? hehe

I have a job interview on Wednesday - which is kind of cool. Not sure what to really expect, or how to prepare for it, as such. Will talk to a friend who manages a store in the North Island, and see what he can tell me. Shed some light, maybe?
When the lady rang today, she certainly gave the impression that no one really knows what I do down here now. haha. It does still annoy me that the company has zero vision for this position that I'm in now, and can't see the potential. Still..... I'll see what I can say to stir things up.

Just finished preparing for Praise and Worship tomorrow.... not sure about it all though. Need to think about some of the links. The passion is returning - though I'm not sure how to really channel it all. Or better yet, figure out the expectations that are there.
I'm just feeling so tired right now. My glands are super swollen, and throat has felt like I've had a huge wad of cotton wool in it all day. Quite funny.... and at the same time - annoying as anything! I feel like I've been so run down for so long, and it's just about to take me out again. ARHG! Worse, I hate complaining about it!

So..... moving right along.....

Went through a phase a while ago where I was convinced that very few people understood me. I'm there again. Funny little circle that one can go round and round.
You know how you think you're ok, you can be yourself around people, and they will get it. I realise that it's not always the case.... but it's actually so disheartening to come to a place where you begin to wonder if they do understand.
I don't think I'm some huge mystery. I certainly don't want to be.... and yet.... is it just because I don't open up so easily that it makes it so much stranger to people?
Maybe they are trying to put me in that box....and I'm doing everything I can to burst out? Fear?
Unpredictability taking over?
Is it that they are right and I don't want to acknowledge what they know? It's an ugly side? I don't know!!!!
I'm super annoyed with it all. but in saying that, I don't know what I want? I know that Nig has moments where he doesn't get it. Jacx certainly does. While I was round at her place the other night it was just like there was a HUGE gap between us. I don't know why. I guess i'm trying to figure out how I fit into this new life of hers.... tiptoeing around her relationship with Shayne, and being super careful about not demanding anything of her.... but in doing that, I guess I've managed to put a wall up between us too.

Mike seems to have formed this opinion of me, and I don't like it.... it's like I let him see abit more, and now, I'm this hopeless case who needs to see a therapist to get my problems sorted out. ARHG! That frustrates me so much. I don't know what frustrates me more... the fact that I'm in that box, the fact that he might be right, or the fact that I let him see that much of me?
I feel all unbalanced.... and I don't know how to right myself...... falling.......

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" Albert Einstein

Emotionally.... I'm ok. Being tired will always knock my emotions alittle skew, but it's not bad. I'm looking forward to the next stage.... knowing which direction it was going to go in would be nice. hehe. BUT, the unkown is good too. Adentures. I need to actually put thoughts into action, and not just let everything pass me by.

Time to be alive!
Kia kaha

Sunday, August 22, 2004

here i sit...

Crazy Sunday afternoon.....

The sun is streaming in my bedroom window, and it's these moments where being a cat just makes sense. I need to make the time to curl up in the sun, and just soak up some of those rays. Especially in the winter, when you don't seem to get them often enough!

So... thats the plan for later on, but for now, I have to sit here.... my head covered in dye! Yes... hence the crazy! I've decided I've been boring. Time for a change... nothing too drastic, but a change non-the-less. :o)
Figure if it looks too bad, I can always zoom back down to the store and get something else?! hehe. It's actually been years since I did a permenant colour......
Maybe this is a start to me, being more me again?

It's actually amazing how easily we are swayed by the people's opinions around us!
I never thought I was super easily influenced, but I'm beginning to wonder now. With these thoughts of feeling like I'm being squashed into a box. yes the whole Star shape being pushed through a circle. That's me! Or just my feelings and thoughts.
I'm fully aware that I need to be aware of my motives for doing some things, and yes, I tend to er on the side of rebelion. Get a notion in my head, and I freak, exploding in the complete opposit direction, just to be sure that I'm not going to be mistaken for being one of "Them"! hehe

So.... with those thoughts come thoughts of what I'm going to do with the rest of the year. What of these dreams, and thoughts? What is important to me? What have I taken on board as being important - when it is for others, but not me?

I havent had that gut wrenching - YES! This is what I'm supposed to be doing in a while.
I can so distinctly remember driving around Christchurch, and just having that awesome feeling that yes, this is where I was supposed to be. That feeling has gone now..... but is it just that the itching is louder than anything else..... the need to scratch consuming my thoughts?

Ben is getting home in a couple of weeks.... and it will be interesting to hear about his travels, and just hear about his ideas for where he is going to go now?

Maybe the fact that I have so many friends travelling right now is being an influence in itself. It would have to be, to some extent.... but is that what is getting me wound up the most?

ME?! hehe
I'm good at that.......

Thursday, August 19, 2004

star light..... star bright

Another night.... and too cloudy to see the stars up there. Hopefully there will be sightings of the Blue moon next week though!
Actually need to find out how often we do get a blue moon. Someone once said it was something like every 7 years?! I'm clueless.
Still.... pretty cool thing to happen, when you think about it.
(More excuses to go swimming!)

Can't believe that tomorrow is Friday already. Have Jacx's birthday on Saturday - but she's off doing luvly romantic things with Shayne that night - so no idea when I'll see her? Was going to do a painting for her..... leaving it rather late though. We have our next vicims for Friday night dinner..... Clare and Michelle. Two girls that I really don't know at all...... kind of makes me wonder if I have to be here. Yes, anti-social springs to mind, and the very fact that I just don't want to have to make some grand effort speaks volumes.
Perhaps I'm getting old and stuck in my ways? haha..... never thought that would be me....
Seems we often don't know who we are, or what we are becoming.

Question is..... do I like what I'm becoming... and what can I change if I don't like it?

In saying any of that.... I don't dislike me. I guess I compare myself to what I was though. I always figured that I had a fairly good grasp on what I was becoming... as far as the type of person I was. Maybe? Have I ever been in control? hehe

Mike is convinced that I need to go see a therapist. Maybe it's because he's bored with hearing my prattling? Who knows.... I'll continue to scribble thoughts on here, and in my journal, and see how we go.

Had an interesting conversation about being hormonally unbalanced.... can you say chaos!
The world gets turned upside down, and then some!

Big night for big thoughts, which can't seem to get out of my head. It's been a week like that.
Need to make time to really sit and write.... not just here, but to write some emails, and letters, and just get on track.

for now.... ciao

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Postcard from Ireland... Posted by Hello

Well.... dearest darling Nigel is doing super well.... we have post card number 4 from Ireland. Pretty good for a boy. hehe.

I'm doing pretty well - hearing bits of news from him, often at very strange hours via sms. Not complaining for a moment though. I actually miss him HUGELY... so will gladly relinquish sleep any day to hear from him. He knows it!
Funny how and who you consider to be a "real" friend. What does that mean?
It's been something I've been forced to think about with some other things going on - questions asked. Nig is the one person that I've known the longest - which isn't really saying a huge amount in some ways. Met him when I was 16, and we've kind of hung out since then. Had some messy moments, and of course, the moments where one of us has been a million miles away. hehe. BUT.... we've always been able to keep it together. In fact, we haven't lived in the same city since '96, which is kind of crazy - and maybe the only reason we are still such good friends? You know the whole - can't get sick of them if they aren't around?! :o)

Anyway.... the boy is now living in England. Spends most of his days teaching, and the other days tripping around the country side in a landrover. Sounds like he is having a blast. Currently somewhere in Spain with a bunch of boys. WOAH.... watch out Spain!!
Wish he wasn't quite so far away.... but only fair that I had my 4 years away.... hopefully this time we'll get together somewhere and do some traveling together?!

Right.... no rambling..... other than that.....

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


I had all sorts of big thoughts running through my head last night.....
but really feeling too blah to even get into them now.

The snow has all melted from Monday, though we may be in for some more tonight, which would be quite cool. I'm all for more Winter Wonderland moments. Lilly was so funny the way she was playing in it. Never thought a cat would enjoy snow? hehe

I tried to get some shots - but haven't even checked to see if any of them were any good. Will have to check tomorrow.

Quite cold here tonight... and I'm ready to get warm. The fire is lovely in the living room - but the rest of the house is kind of freezer like! :o)
Ahhhhh... good thing I'm tough enough to handle it! (Yes, the electric blanket does wonders!)

Righty ho.... big thoughts will have to wait.


Monday, August 16, 2004

Snow, glorious snow!

Winter Wonderland! Posted by Hello

Yes... woke up this morning to the beautiful snow covered sight! Of course meant that someone had to brave it all to go get the wood.... so, off Jill and I went. (What heros!) Yes... pajamas and all!
The house is all toasty warm, except for my room... hehe... but the snow is starting to melt, which is abit of a bummer. We don't often get to see snow, especially not like that, in the city. Would imagine the ski fields would be humming today. Awesome stuff!
We'll just have to stay here though and enjoy the olympics.

I'm off to crawl back into bed. Sick day!


Saturday, August 14, 2004

Princess Bea

Mad Kiwi! Posted by Hello

OK.... so it was a funny story.
Firstly - this is the beloved jeep that took Bruce and I around the country. Yes.... we traveled from the Bay Area, up to Canada, and back down in Bea. She even survived a huge proportion of a Canadian winter - without an engine block!! I had no idea that oil could freeze like that! haha

Anyway... the story about the painting of the jerry cans.

I had driven out to Canmore to pick up a friend of mine there one beautiful sunny afternoon. Alas, I find Emily and we're off to go find some food with her brother who is staying in Canmore when the jeep decides to die. Tragedy!
The AAA come on out to check it for me, and explain what has happened - so I ring bruce to pick up the part in Calgary, and come on over to fix it. In the meantime... he's at least 1.5 hours away, and we've already eaten. But there is a hardware store down the road!
I had been threatening to paint the jerry cans since the beginning of this adventure - and this was the perfect opportunity!!
So... we go buy some paints, and get to work - this is the end result. Flossy has pretty much been my signature sheep for years. She would appear pretty much on every letter that went out from the States... all my friends had come to know, and love her! hehe. Really!
Seemed the perfect symbol to have on the back of the jeep. Good thing Bruce was pretty convinced about becoming a Kiwi himself at this stage, so it was all good. At the top of the other one is Aotearoa.

Bruce arrived, and just cracked up.

In the end, it became the greatest conversation starter when we were back in the States. Amazing how many Kiwi's we found - especially heading over to Santa Cruz, which is where I was working alot of the time. We'd be cruising along, and always seemed to find either another kiwi - someone would be waving their silver fern cap at us, or being stuck in traffic, which is often the case in the Bay Area, we'd have people stop next to us, and we'd yak away about New Zealand. It was classic!

Ms Bea - The rugged Jeep!! Posted by Hello

Friday, August 13, 2004

starless night.....

Bring on the weekend! :o)

This week has certainly had it's challenges... mostly being left on my own - alot! Not that I'm not capable of working on my own, but it certainly felt like I was just running round in circles trying to get everything done by myself.
I could have so easily walked out of there at 11 this morning. John was sick again today, and trying to catch up on everything I couldn't do on Tuesday and Wednesday, on top of what he hadn't finished was too much. hehe.

Anyway.... day done.... I think everyone survived?! And alot of stuff got away too.

(I, unfortunately feel like I've forgotten something..... and it's not a normal feeling for me, come the weekend)

Blah.... will leave that one alone now!

So, had Zohnia, Sam and Imogen along with Paul and Tanya over for dinner tonight. Was supposed to be an early night, so that Imogen could be in bed at a resonable hour - though I have to say that it was Z who needed bed most by the end of the night.
I had picked up some fantastic Indian on my way home from work. (People who just can't figure out how to drive in the city during rush hour are just so FRUSTRATING!!Christchurch hardly has a "Rush Hour" but geeeeee, if we ever get super big, it will be intolerable!)

Had a great time catching up with everyone. Paul and I were at the College of Education together, so became pretty good friends. He's now doing his first year teaching, and just loving it. He's pretty passionate about his job, and about the kids - though relaxed enough to admit that they can be pretty tough, and by the sounds of things, some of these kids do not come from ideal homes. I have moments when I'm talking about him, where I wonder if I could perhaps handle teaching? I don't think I'm passionate enough to keep me going through the day? I would want more freedom to teach kids the things that I deem important! hehe. Yes... me wanting too much control!

So... a good night with everyone.

Ended it all off with some rounds of "Rummy" which was pretty funny. Luckily, I was too tired to get too competitive.

Now.... back is sore, and bed waits.

Thankyou Mighty Mike, for reminding me to turn on the beloved Electric Blanket. Can now go crawl into a nice warm bed. Wonder where Lilly is though? Haven't seen her all night?

Wondering about getting up early for Breakfast? hehe. Better yet, and early morning swim tomorrow? Oh - Opening ceremony too. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Ka kite ano

Thursday, August 12, 2004


Had really good intentions tonight - but it all turned kind of pear shaped.

Yeah - one of those nights where I could have:

* done some washing
* put away the clean washing
* replied to my mothers email
* check up on tulips
* fixed the old web site links
* Cleaned the junk off my desk
* put away the painting stuff from the weekend

It gets better... hehe
I tried to go for a swim... which took a fair amount of motivation, got to the pool, only to discover that the 50m pool was closed for the night. GUTTED!
Regardless of how I feel when I leave the house, I do so love diving into the pool. (you know that good old, chlorine in the eyes, water up the nose, mouth full) Nothing beats it!

Oh - the email from my mother.... not only to tell me about Nana, but also to give me the web site address

I need to talk to her about some of it - but it is a start!
Brilliant stuff - there are two pics on me on there - and you would never, ever realise it!! I thought that was quite classic. Ok, admittedly one is just my arm... and what a great arm it is! The other is of me at my first combined drive - yes, being a maniac with Tui in a hazard. We were having such a blast - but the pic is so blurry. No idea what they were doing?
So - that is my parents Stud Farm web site.... a few of the horses, which consume their time.

Should you wonder - Love Song is my baby... only she's pretty big now, and probably doesn't remember me too well, since I'm hardly ever up there these days. She's beautiful though, with real spunk. Much like her brother, Misha, who is super cool!
In fact.... all of Tui's foals are fantastic! I guess Love Song most reminds me of Joy, who was just that to me.... a Joy. She's now somewhere in Oz, which was a bummer in my world. Hardly inspired visits home after she left. hehe. (I don't think I can really blame it on that.... but I could blame it on the painting that is always waiting for me?!)

Meanwhile... must figure out when I'm heading up that way.
ahhhhhhhh... glad this day is over!



I thought about the whole "I love yous" thing.

The fact that I use it often when I talk to people was something I was wondering about - but realised it all stems from when I first went to the States.

I have a photo of me in the airport with a group of friends who had come to see me off.... along with family. My Grandad had come along with one of my cousins - and they were all going out for dinner after my flight left. Anyway.... he disappeared just before I was supposed to board, and we took the photo. Needless to say I never got to say goodbye. He died almost 2 months later. I had a letter waiting to be posted, telling him about my adventures, and hadn't even managed to get it posted. Anyway - gutted wouldn't even begin to describe how I felt. The funeral was on my birthday... and I was miles away from my family, and missing out on saying goodbye to someone who had just always been there, a huge part of my life.

In some ways it was all good. Granny had died 6 months earlier, and his life just wasn't the same without her. Theirs was an amazing relationship.... and one totally overflowing in love!

I guess during all of that, I realised that I wasn't guaranteed a "next" time to tell people how I felt. And yes, I do sometimes wonder if, by saying it often, it looses it's meaning? The depth? I don't think so..... it's something that people need to know and hear. Probably isn't said often enough to a lot of people out there!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

dum de daaaaaa

Just home from swimming.

We had a friend round for dinner tonight, which was all good. Wednesday nights tend to be Roast Chicken nights..... and with Wendy coming round - I ate before I went. hehe.
Never thought that it would make that big a difference. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't? Who knows.....
What I do know is that it seemed harder tonight. I know I certainly pushed myself harder for the first bit..... and yes, I managed to swim the same amount as the other day in a shorter period of time.... but I'm ready to go and crash now! hehe. That is pretty unusual for me. :o)

I've had the last two days stuck over in the Distribution store room, which is a huge warehouse behind the store where my office is. The storeman who is normally over there had his Father's funeral yesterday, so has been away for a few days now. Yesterday was great.... I took loads of stuff with me, including my flute. Had a mini concert going on. Had to try out the acoustics, which was all very cool. It was nice to just have time to practice.... somewhere I could be super loud. I did think that everyone around me would probably be able to hear, but apparently they missed it all.
Got to read lots, and just have some time out. I actually enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would.
Today was a little different. hehe
I wasn't really thinking about it when I left the house this morning - that I may in fact get stuck there again.... John had said that he would do it - but he had a precious meeting on a golf course this afternoon. HA!
So... it was another day over there. Luckily I did grab a bag of things to kind of keep me busy, and I had a couple of books in there.... and some writing stuff.
I managed to get a few letters done, and sent away no less.

I got a card from my Nana yesterday, which was very cool. She sounded super cheerful. Of course, ended it by saying "Love you always" which just brought the tears on.
Mum sent an email today to say that she's almost finished her radiation treatment, which is great - and sounds like she is doing alright. Mum is heading up there to spend some time with her, and give my cousin a break next weekend - which is cool. Kind of wondered about the logistics of me getting up there then. But there is no chance. It will have to wait.
Meanwhile.... my mission is to send at least one card each week. So far, so good. :o)

Figured while I was at it - I would try and send one person a little note each week.... just something to let them know I was thinking of them. I have these moments where it dawns on me that I don't actually tell people how much they mean to me - and I don't like that. So, this is kind of in aid of that. I know how much I appreciate notes.... figure if I do, so will others.
I have one friend who is so cute with notes... and so encouraging. We aren't encouraging enough, as a whole.... So.... while I had written one to Jacx the other day, I sent one to Jimbo and Kym, who had me over for dinner on Sat night.

Had a bizarre moment last night..... not really bizarre, but a moment.

Mike and I tend to talk on the phone every night - something I once said was just a "Habit" and could that be a good thing? He thinks it is. hehe. Anyway.... ages ago, at the end of the conversations we would both laugh and say that we found ourselves about to say "I love you". We just laughed about it. I haven't thought about that one in ages, and actually haven't had to stop myself from doing it in a long time. Last night, it nearly came out. Crazy! And at the same time... I know that I say it to plenty of my friends when I hang up from them. Why is it I stop myself with him? Figure that I'm just worried about the way he's going to take it...
Why do we so often get worried about how things are going to be taken? I'm not hugely worried... but obviously enough to stop myself from saying it.

OK.... have had enough of the wet hair!

ka kite

Monday, August 09, 2004

a little gutted.....

I'm just about to go and plonk away on the piano. Need to prepare Praise and Worship for tomorrow nights V.L.I. - what some of us prefer to call Bible School. :o)
Just got home from a swim, which was bliss. I so love heading off to the pool after work, to just swim away the worries.... a great place to think about things, and yet, not get weighed down by all the thoughts. They tend to slip off at the end of each length.

It was a typical Monday..... things that needed to be done, with plenty of distractions... and of course, in the last two hours - madness! :o)
But, I love madness.... made the rest of the day zoom on by, and I can never complain about that - though I could have done with a little more time to finish stuff off.
Alas... tomorrow, I'm in a different building, with little to do. Have to take a book to read away the day. Write a few letters, maybe? Who knows?

Anyway..... best be moving.

Till next we meet....

Sunday, August 08, 2004

something I found

Was digging through my trunk over the weekend, and found this on a piece of paper - sent to me a long time ago from a friend I met along the road.....

"The Invitation"

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cationing us to be careful, be realistic or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you can disapoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon.
It doesn't interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to be bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the insider when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Yeah - somethings in there that stand out for me..... the importance that we so often place on the wrong things.
Still - there is passion there... and life.... and zest.
Time to crawl into bed with a book.


Thursday, August 05, 2004

roller coasters

Realising more and more how emotional I am.

I don't think it's a bad thing, just something to be aware of, and perhaps just keep in check.

Had a long conversation last night, which seemed to be more going round in circles.... neither of us willing to just say - OK. In the end it was all mostly ok. We were able to talk about other things before ending the conversation - but there was a moment where I honestly thought that friendship was on the way out the door, and I had no idea how to possibly keep it together. I had explained everything as best I could, and it didn't seem to make any difference - total misunderstanding, and then blown up ten times!

Interesting exercise.... tough one too though.

Have no idea what he thought at the end of it all.... if he did at all. hehe. Me, I have to think about it all....

Anyway... bed waits.

More thoughts. :o)

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

day done...

Another day.... and I've come home to an empty house. Not only that, but Ains cooked Butter Chicken for dinner tonight. YUMMY!!
The fire is roaring away.... I'm eating yummy food, and I'm all alone. :o) hehe.
Funny the things which I take delight in.

So, today was an ok day....
I got a call about a job that I had applied for a few weeks ago, which kind of came as a surprise. All good though. The lady who called sounds really nice, and we talked for a while about the job, and what I'm currently doing.
The job is within the company that I work for - so it wouldn't have any BIG surprises, but would certainly be a change of scenes.
The idea of changing is quite exciting - even if it is short term? Just gaining new experiences, and getting out there. Would include a fair amount of travel - which is a huge bonus. Sure, I'll get sick of it - but seeing new people, and new parts of the country - all good. :o)
I'm hoping that I will get to convince them to include the lower North Island as part of my region, which would be fantastic! Will see what happens. Interviews aren't for a while yet.... though the regional manager seems to be fairly oppotomistic about it all. He knows something I don't?

Anyway..... back to the fire....
It's pretty cold out there tonight!

Kia kaha

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Bethany and CJ - up on Port Hills, Christchurch. (June, 2004) Posted by Hello


Sunday afternoon always seems to be nap time. And at the same time - because it's the last day of the weekend.... I so don't want to spend it sleeping. hehe.

Had a fantastic day yesterday up at Hanmer..... bonding with the flatmates.... realising how very different we are - and how I am stuck between the two groups that we seem to have. Story of my life.... I am this "middling" age thing. I have two flatmates who are older then me by a few years, and two who are younger than me.... Bonus - I get to float between the two. Unfortunately I sometimes feel so like I don't belong in either group - which is true enough, and not something that really bothers me, but it became obvious yesterday again... when I was trying to figure out who I was supposed to go off and do things with. hehe. I was on the water slides with the younger girls, then walking with the older two. I should probably be super grateful that I can blend in with either. But at the same time it reminds me of growing up with all my cousins. From David onwards all the cousins on my mothers side are all paired up, and grouped pretty well. I'm the oldest girl - with two older cousins - both guys. So.... I didn't really blend too well there.

Too often there are moments where I don't feel like I'm where I'm actually meant to be.

I don't know how to explain that one.

Growing up I always had friends from totally different groups..... I could swing between the older students at high school, to the musos, to the arty ones, to the more "nerdy" ones. Thinking about it all now - I guess I did that because I was none of the above! haha. I was never excluded from any of the groups, but never felt like I actually fitted into any given one.
Perhaps that was just because I lacked trust in any of them, or that I feared rejection?

I don't know.

I know that I'm much the same now. I long to have close friends, and yet fail miserably at letting people into my life. If people ask the right questions, I'll generally answer them with honesty, but if they don't - I think I'm quick to believe that they just aren't interested, and so offer little for them to grab onto.
Bit hard to build any kind of relationship. That's not to say that I don't have people in my life... again - I have lots of different friends, from so many different walks....
The ones that I'm most open to though, are the ones who aren't actually around. Why is that? I have friends back in Kentucky, Canada, UK and other parts of NZ that I am probably considerably closer to than the ones in Christchurch. Doesn't make for easy getting together. hehe. I can't just go and hang out with them at any given moment. And I guess that's what i miss the most alot of days.

I'm perfectly happy doing things on my own..... and am pretty self-reliant and confident. Adventures on my own are fantastic... movies, dinner.... a breeze....

BUT... I guess I do miss having company.

The thought of moving back to Canada is one that I am entertaining pretty highly, and will have to get serious about soon enough. BUT, I always thought that the next big move overseas wouldn't be on my own. ha!
I'm not worried about it hugely..... and won't let something like that get in the way of me doing something that I think I'm supposed to do.... I just look forward to having someone to share things with.... the whole - WOW!!! Check that out! when your on your own, just isn't quite the same. hehe

Not sure where I was going with that one.... round and round?

Ultimately, worrying about it doesn't make an ounce of difference.... I can let it all go, and just keep moving forward. Everything always works out!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heats and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

off I go.... need to check out the BLUE MOON! :o)


Just about to take off on the flat adventure, and it's like a winter wonderland outside. Yes, I think we may get the snow we all wanted! :o)
One super heavy frost out there this morning. Everything looks so pretty.... and I keep thinking about the gardening I need to do. Next week!

Oh... was just playing around with pics this morning. Hmmmmm... much to learn and figure out. Quite cool though! :o)
And I just had a very quick catch up with my friend Bex who is in England. Man... haven't spoken to her in Soooooooo long. Just love her to bits. Hoping she'll get out here for Parachute this Jan with one of her bands that she manages. Would be fantastic to catch up with her!!

OK.... no thoughts...... after going to bed early, I managed to wake up every couple of hours.... you'd think I would learn by now, that going to sleep early does not mean a good nights sleep for me - ever! I need to go to bed late, and sleep all night, or I'm just grumpy! hehe

cest la vie.