Monday, September 27, 2004

i don't know....

funny moods change, stranger how it's often people that tip us over into the new mood.

I have no excuses...... only frustration, and it's not even at the person - but at myself for letting them bother me so much.


It was so good to be back at work today. Totally mad, but good to know that here was something for me to really grit my teeth into, and do well at.
Yes, maybe my being able to do something, and do it well does figure too much into how I value myself - what my own self worth is?

I've got alot to catch up on, and in all honesty I couldn't remember what I had done before I left. I had all sorts of jobs half done to a point..... and with John being away at the same time as me, it all just kind of got lost. There was a huge pile of emails for me to reply to, notes everywhere with people to call, and so many orders. There were three jobs that needed to be done by the middle of this week alone. hahaha.
The day just zoomed, and tomorrow will be more of the same.

Scored a huge job for early next year, which just blew my sox off. Thought I'd got it, but wasn't super sure. John met with the guy who would be seeing it through, and we've got everything started now. Exciting stuff.
I did mention to John that there was a possibility of me taking off to the States next year. There is a Praise and Worship conference over there in Feb.... which would be pretty awesome to attend. A friend of mine will be graduating in Cinci at the same time, I think - or passing her Bar exams around that time... and I would so love to catch up with her! I wasn't sure if I would aim for end of March - going over for my birthday, and then timing it with Easter as well. Of course, now this job is due for beginning April... so he told me to go in Jan. Would be pretty awesome if I could get over there that early!! I'm having Christmas on the farm, then need to be at work until John gets back from his holiday. I've got a cousins wedding in middle of Jan, I think... tie it all in together somehow? I don't know?

All ideas in this head of mine right now.

Spoke to Dad today..... I was actually trying desperately to find something from a supplier, and having no joy. I just happened to know that he had exactly what I needed for ballooning. Classic stuff. Of course, he got his in Canada - but a great excuse for calling him, and catching up.

Sounds like they actually had some classic times up in Auckland... all the brothers and sisters. The girls managed to have abit of a tiff. Sad... and funny..... Nana's house was sold to a neighbour so quickly, which was great for everything. It should all go through next week, and meant they didn't have to leave anything in the house, and could just get it all tidied up and finished with while they were all here.
How surreal.

Jill is busy cutting out my latest Bridesmaid dress... .yay. hahaha.. we were actually just talking about how many different outfits I need for next years line up of weddings..... how many of them will have the same crowd? haha. What thoughts. So.... figure I can have interchanging tops and skirts. Brilliant plan. :o)

So, better go see how she's getting on. JOY!

what prattles.....

Sunday, September 26, 2004

What animal......

I'm a Horse:
Caring, free-spirited, and full of compassion. You are well-loved and for all the right reasons. You enjoy the company of others & try to keep them happy, making you a 1st class friend. You want a warm place to call home, but you always have the urge to escape.

Who would have thought. hehe

Now - do we really believe the wisdom that comes with these quizes?

Friday, September 24, 2004

home sweet home....

Righty ho....

Slowly getting over the hay fever episodes which always seem to take over when I head North to spend time on the farm. It's quite classic..... people ask what I'm so allergic to up there.... simple really. My Brothers! :o)

Really, I have no idea..... Cambridge isn't anywhere near the ocean, so I wonder if all the pollen just hangs around alot more there? Whatever it is..... I'm obviously not meant to live there!

Had a fantastic flight from Hamilton to Wellington. Nice early flight, and wow, I've never experiences a plane wobbling from side to side before we had even left the runway! Great amount of turbulance for the first half of the flight. I didn't think they would ever be able to serve coffee. Better than a rollercoaster today. The landing to Wellington was pretty tame really in comparison. The flight to Christchurch from Wellington was very quiet. I even got two seats to myself.

So, after planning on heading North for 4 days, 2 weeks later I return.

2 weeks of perhaps avoiding thinking, because thinking just blew my mind. hahaha That probably makes no sense. I left with this job being my main thought, and stupidly thinking that, once I'd figured out that aspect, I could then figure out the rest of my life. It never works that way. And today I was reading about how we so often wonder through life saying - once this area of my life is sorted out I can think about these other things.... but we need to just grab everything and work on it now!!
The conditions will never be perfect, and comfortable enough for us to feel that we can "safely" figure out the other areas of our life. It's a wonderful thought, but we could spend all our lives waiting for those so called conditions to come along. I want to live seriously, now!

So..... while the job kind of got blown out of the water, the realisation that I did love my job so much has surfaced again, and perhaps the passion that had kind of dwindled with the idea that they really didn't want me doing it is back! I need to figure out a way to convince the head office that this is not a waste, and a position that needs to be there. But I'm more aware of the fact that it needs to be there idea. Typical, huh.
I went into work this afternoon... feeling very clogged up, but ready to see the chaos that had mounted up while I was away. The manager of the store just said my boss has been running around like a headless chicken, super stressed with everything he's been trying to get done. Poor guy. I really did leave him in the lurch, and with so many jobs on the go. I had a massive stack of notes telling me to call people. Shane had called me the other day on my cell to see what was going on. haha. I know he was really checking up on me to see how I was doing, but also wondered about a job that he'd talked to John about. Nothing had happened yet. I asked if they realised that they actually needed me there..... the manager said he was very aware of it - but head office didn't have a clue.

So... abit of an issue... but i will get a contract sorted out!

Ahhhh... I'm prattling big time.....

My head is still kind of swimming - not being able to sit down and just write was getting to me while I was home. Had to revert to the old journal, and writing things at night instead. All good.

Right..... while it's still very early, think I'm going to go relish in the joys of being home, and having my own bed again! Ahhhhhhhh... blissssssss

Thursday, September 23, 2004


So.... I'm still up in Cambridge, keeping semi sane on the farm. Mum is back now with Diana, so I'm not quite so alone any more.
Dad is still up in Auckland sorting through all of Nana's things with his brother and sisters. Actually sounds like they are very organised, and getting through everything quickly. Mum is dreading the things which are going to come back down here. He has this great knack for collectiong "JUNK". he's even asked mum to bring up the horse float in the weekend. Doesn't sound like a good start! hehe
Still..... to know that he's getting to hang out with his family, and get through everything together is wonderful. He will have had 2 weeks off by the end of it all, and i think he's looking better for it.
Seeing your dad cry is something else.
The funeral was beautiful, and I know Nana would have loved it. Tamati did a reading, and shared abit about nana, as did John... Dad then spoke - with his siblings standing there with him to support him. He did an awesome job.... but you could see him struggle through some of it.

ahhhhhhh... just thinking about it makes me tear up.

Anyway... i need to sort out my flights home now. Good thing Jeremy told me to take the week off. Allergies are wreaking havok on me, as they always do up here. I need to get out of here. haha


Sunday, September 19, 2004

chapter ends

Nana died this morning.....
Dad said it was all very peaceful....

and while I managed to make it through the day pretty well.... I want to avoid going to bed now.

Feeling so horribly alone. I don't think anything would change, regardless of whether or not there were people around now.... I don't know what I want? One of those moments where a shoulder to cry on would be nice, but not the awkward words that always seem to come. I'm glad that she died so quickly, and she wasn't in any pain. And I know that she had a great life... so in a way it's all great, but it still hurts to know that the last grandparent has gone. That I didn't get to spend any real time with her after she got sick. Everything happened so quickly in the end. The fact that I got up here at all was pretty amazing. Timing was perfect.
Last time anyone said anything to me about nana she was doing fine, and I didn't need to worry about getting up here. Things changed so quickly.

So, the funeral will be on Tuesday.... and I need to get my flight sorted out to get home, and Mum will need to figure out how she is going to get up here from nelson in time. I have no idea what time her flight was on tuesday, but suspect that it will be too late.

I'm just tired..... and lonely. Something I don't like feeling.....

the sun will come out......

Saturday, September 18, 2004

tum te tum....

Just home from catching up with a couple of the cousins....

Alex came home this afternoon, and we both ended up zonking out completely. I woke up just after 6, and honestly thought it was tomorrow morning. Freaked out of bed when I realised what time it really was, and we were supposed to be in Hamilton at 7. NUTS! Still had to feed the calves too.

All was good, and we headed out for Indian. (Believe it or not.... was not even my choice, but everone else was craving it for a change!) Very yummy - though I'm so full now. Alex is just getting ready for work, and while I'm semi awake, know I will crash as soon as I get into bed. Can't quite figure out why I'm still not feeling well. Is it just everything that is going on here, or what?
Read Dad's speach that he's written to read at nana's funeral. Very sweet. Seems I'm really seeing another side of Dad here. Showing much more emotion than is normal - though i know is always there. He's such a softie.
I've been left with the funeral order to get done... tomorrow? I'm really itching to do some painting around the house too though. Need to get down to the hardware store tomorrow to pick up some stuff. I don't think I'm really going to get much painting done.... but I can get some filling done, no worries.

No animals have died on me yet! YEHAAAAA. When mum left I told her I would take no responsibility for any dead goats - which is typically what dies on me while I'm here alone. No idea why - and yes, a coincidence to the core, but certainly not something that I enjoy happening while I'm here.

Anyway.... should go sleep.....
I've had no huge big thoughts that I need to get out there.... though I am perhaps a wee bit on the lonely side here. besides Mandy, there isn't really anyone around to listen to my prattling.... and Mandy being a dog and all, doesn't really offer a whole lot of wisdom. (Or maybe I just lack understanding?)


life is.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

frustration..... in Tablespoon proportions!!

What a funny ol' life this is.

Yes, i could sit here and laugh till I'm blue in the face..... but, I won't.

Mum and Diana left for Nelson today - they are supposed to be staying down there for the Wearable Arts show.... meanwhile, the whole Nana thing has thrown everything into a different kind of chaos - but as is normal in these crazy moments, I've been left with the farm to look after! How, I must ask, does this happen to me. Especially when I'm the one who lives down in Christchurch, and should be at work?!!
Dad left for Nanas yesterday, and by the sounds of thing all the kids had a good day with nana. She's struggling more with her breathing now, and not eating or drinking anything.
Yesterday was the first time I've ever seen my dad cry. Quite a moment to see him so vulnerable. Of course, I was just kept having small moments throughout the day. Waiting is hard, but at the same time.... gives you the space and time to think about things, and somehow prepare for what is coming.
I don't quite now how you prepare for what you know will bring more tears? Waterproof mascara anyone? (Yes, mine was left at home!!! )

Sorry.... sleepy here.... still sick... more antibiotics to consume....


Monday, September 13, 2004


I flew up to Auckland on Friday for my job interview.... the big day spent with the potential new boss.
It was a gorgeous flight up, and I actually managed to keep my nerves in check - but that could possibly be because I had taken so many pain killers, and other pills to ease everything else I was feeling.
I just happened to arrive after the All Blacks, to the delight of the Lady who was picking me up, which was great. Had I not been told - would I have noticed? Maybe?

It was interesting to have a look around head office and meet some faces to go with the voices that I hear often at the end of the phone. Not quite what I expected, but when is it ever? All went well, and I ended up spending some time with the girl who was hired to work in Auckland. She was lovely, and super passionate about her job. It was during that time I realised that while she was passionate about what she was doing now... so am I, and I don't want to leave that behind - especially for this job. It would not be me. I could maybe stomach it for a short period of time - but long term. NO. I would be bored to tears, and ready for a change again. Not helpful for the company to spend money on me, and then not get the better deal.
So - have yet to ring Judith to let her know my decision, which I'm not excatly looking forward to. Yes.... I'm putting it off. haha
I did ring John to talk to him about it all today - which was great. Super helpful. He agreed with me, that it would be stupid for me to go ahead and run with it, if I really wasn't going to enjoy it - and yes, he thought I would get bored. Not quite what either of us imagined the job to be in the long term. Funny that!

meanwhile - the timing with everything has been good. Can't help but feel that God had the bigger picture in mind when he got me up here. I got to see Nana on Saturday - from a distance, because I'm still pretty sick.... but still got to talk to her. She wasn't looking too good, and has been getting worse very quickly. I'm supposed to fly back down tomorrow - but looks like I will stay up here until the end of the week.
It's so hard seeing someone who has always been so solid, and alive become a shadow of her former self. to see her slip away.
The doctor doesn't think she will last much longer..... just hanging on till Moana gets here tomorrow. I know John will be heartbroken that he didn't get to see her again.... he just got married on Saturday, and rang here after talking to nana that night. He's been calling her often, and said she still had words of advice for him when he called. When she last wrote to me, she sent a list of things to think about in regards to marriage. Classic stuff!!
She's having trouble breathing now, which is the worst part. You can't wish for someone to hang on, and stay around when they aren't able to do things that we just take for granted.
Margy is up here, which is great, and Dad is heading up tomorrow to pick up Moana from the airport - so all the kids will be with her tomorrow. I won't get to see her again...... makes me sad that I didn't get to spend any time with her before now... but was very cool to keep getting the letters while she's been sick. Our little correspondence.
Dad was going through pictures tonight... looking for ones with her in. I had one when I was 11 I think.... at Papakura.... super smiley Nana..... always a rock, but so encouraging.

I'm not ready for a funeral.... it all feels rather sureal and too fast.

ahhhhhhhhhh... the circle of life.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

abit of the grumps.....

HAHA! Not a good omen to start off any blog with - right! And what was I saying about attitude being everything?!

I'm not really grumpy - aware that I am tired though, and it was a long day. Tuesday's are always alittle harder. Going straight from work to Bible School, and then catching up with Jacx afterwards.

Worship was really fun!! New songs, which were pretty hard... you realise how much you rely on the band, and there being so few of us - it's great, but hard too.
Still - i enjoy having these small groups - you can hear the harmonies, and we kind of know where the other person is going to go with the song.... just because we are tighter. Hard to get lost when there are only 4 of you. :o)
So... I'm going to stretch them abit more next week - introducing a totally new song!! WOHOO!!!
I think Jacx was a little taken aback at the idea, but I'm still keen to run with it. I just feel that it's such the appropriate song to do at VLI!!
Watch this space!!!

Managed to get through 3 quotes today. WOHOOOO!!! Was motoring through them. Managed to make one store $20K which is pretty good for a days work. haha. They were pretty pleased with it all. And here was John saying it was going to be a slow month for us. Not if I have my way. Still chassing up a couple more jobs that I would really like to get..... especially if I'm not going to be doing this for long.
Fun fun!
Shane was very despondent at the idea of me not being around to work for them. He doesn't even know John - but was just..... oh..... what an inconvenience! haha. nice to know that he's going to miss me. Actually - he's talking about coming down in a couple of weeks... so will be good to catch up with him then. Drag him off to church. :o) Figure it will help him to see where the Rock is heading.... get a bigger picture!

Righty ho... better go grab some zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs


Monday, September 06, 2004

ever get the feeling?

Had cell group tonight, and I haven't been in ages. In fact, it had almost got the point where I felt pretty much out of that group, and could either take it, or leave it.

Anyway.... bit the bullet and went along. Actually was spurred on by a girl at church on Sunday. Got talking after the service with her and her husband. I'd never really talked to them before, and it was a wow. I mean nothing out of this world - but it was a conversation with people that grabbed me. I don't know how to explain it at all...... and feel like I'm not explaining it at all. I guess I've gone through this period of staying out of it... not wanting to interact with people as much as I have wanted to in the past. this kind of woke me up. There are cool people out there! I have to stop protecting myself, and believing that I have nothing to offer them.

So... was talking to her, and it gave me the motivation to just get out there again. And it was a great night.
I still need bigger things to chew on, more conversation, but it was still a good night. Got to catch up with some people I haven't seen in a while.....

Man - I'm sounding so selfish!!

There is more to it than what I get out of it!!

Meanwhile - after all of this, I realised again how important it is for me to check my attitude. If I go around grumping, I'm going to be grumpy... If I believe the worst ... it will happen!!
I'm not a super negative person, but I can have a pretty pathetic attitude at times! Crazy stuff.

A farmers mule fell into a well. Since there no way to get him out, the farmer decided to bury him there. But the mile had a different idea. Initially, when the shovels of dirt stated landing on his back, he became hysterical. Then this thought struck him; "Just shake it off, and step on it." So he did. Hour after hour, as the dirt fell on him, he kept telling himself, "Just shake it off, and step on it!"
No matter how much dirt they threw on him, he just kept shaking it off and stepping on it until finally , he stepped triumphantly out of the well.
Life will either bury or bless you; the difference lies in having the right attitude. When they throw dirt on you - and they will - just shake it off, and step on it. Use it as fertilizer and grow stronger!
~ Bob Gass

So looking forward to heading up to Auckland!! More looking forward to being on the farm!! Hanging out in the mud with the animals.... like my brothers and Mandy, all the horses!! YAY!!
Big news for Fathers Day - my little brother got engaged. Yes, David and Kirsten are getting married. Sounds like it may be in March next year... so here comes another year filled with weddings! hehe. Sounds like the first half of the year will be spent with me flying North again.
Talked to Tamati and Tessa today, who are super excited about it all. Decided we'd have to have a Whanau dinner on Sunday night so that I could meet this girl, and catch up with everyone else!! YAY!!

Benny is heading back up on Wednesday - and yes, the movie reversal is in action - only I quite want to see this movie, so all good! :o) Cheeky, huh!
He's got wisdom teeth issues right now.... poor guy. needed to talk to our wonderful resident hygenist for advice on how to deal with it all. Quite amazing the network which we've got going on around here.... need something - probably know someone who can help out! Brilliant stuff! :o)

Right.... eyes are getting blurry.....

au revoir

Saturday, September 04, 2004

what it means.....


Pretty full on couple of days.

Still feeling really tired, and fully aware that this next week is going to be full on. John is away for the week, and I've got quite a few quotes to get done - as well as deal with everything else that will be thrown my way. Not complaining at all!! Especially when I think that this may be my last real week in the job. Have lots of people that I actually need to touch base with, sort out some jobs... yada yada yada.... yay!

Spent last night and pretty much all of today at a Praise and Worship workshop with the Senior Pastor and his wife of our church in Melbourne, Australia. Still buzzing from it all now, 6 hours later. So many different issues, points and encouraging moments to keep me going. I kind of just want to swim around in it all, and let it keep washing over me. I have so much to learn, and so far to go, and still wonder where exactly I'm supposed to be focussing my energies?!
Praise and Worship is certainly my passion...... although I think for a while that passion pretty much waned.... dimished somewhat in the last year. The passion is still there - but the egotistical thinking probably was too.....
Yes, I can hear Jiljane singing to me.....
"It's all about meeeeeeeeeeee"
And that's not what I want to be like..... that's not the person I'm trying to be......

Today was an eyeopener. Seeing these two people so on fire, and so full of wisdom. (Not to mention the challenge going out from them to stretch ourselves, to never stop learning and growing in our own ways..... how big is your vocab? How can you write an interesting song, captivating people without having knowledge and power? )
So, at the end of the day, we got into groups, and wrote a song. It was hillarious, and we laughed alot!! But more than that, with the encouragement we came up with something quite cool!!
It was such a buzz to hear peoples wise words at the end of it all.... and to actually hear something that was created - in less than an hour, in pressure circustances.... totally awesome!
A thrill to be apart of that! The encouragement that came with it all just blew me away. Now - to finish it!! The challenge has been laid, and I so want to just keep rolling with it.
Better than that - was working with Jiljane, which meant that I got to experience something that we could keep working on. It reminded me that regardless of where we are - we do work well together, balancing eachother out, and somehow making good!


Mikey Mans birthday over in England...... and yeah, he does feel a million miles away. Sms are few and far between - which is hardly surprising.... but sad. Funny how life kind of just takes off, and while you're busy, there are those small moments where you realise life has made another turn, and its all beginning to change again in some small ways.
That has far more to do with the job, and the flying up to see my nana but Mike gets thrown into it all too for the moment. Oh - having benny back too. hehe Madness, I tell you.

Had a super quick catch up with Bethany today. YAY!! Miss her bunches. Sounds like she's having a frantic summer, but enjoying all of the challenges. All these people back in the States that keep kind of drawing me over there.....

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed." ~Storm Jameson

on that note.....

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

scarlet woman

Good to know that I continue to fit into that unpredictable, and slightly abnormal mould.

Got a call from the Doctor today. She had left a message for me at home on Monday, asking me to call her, as she had got some more results from my bloods that she wanted to talk about. Dread.
It was kind of confusing, as I had spoken to her on Friday about my results, so I was kind of - huh?
Anyway.... finally got to speak to her, and low and behold - my mother was right. I had scarlet fever. NUTS!
I had scarlet fever when I was 10, and had just moved to NZ... everything was crazy at that stage. At the same time, it was all terribly romantic. I was busy watching Anne of Green Gables on tv at the time, and Gilbet Blythe had it at the same time as me. Perfect timing.
I was sick for weeks then.
So, when mum suggested that it might be that again I had to go and read up on it. Of course first problem with this diagnosis was the fact that it is mostly found in children, ages between 4 and 18. It is also very rare for someone to get it again.
So... there we have it - while I thought I just had moments of acting 18, it would seem that my body believes it is still somewhere in that age group, and will totally disregard such stats. I'm still feeling pretty run down, and certainly have my itchy moments - but otherwise... doing pretty well, considering I only had 2 days off - good thing I had the weekend in bed too. :o)

On that note.... I was so tired today - partly because ben and I were yacking way later than I have in a while, and just getting over everything. So.... just thinking I better go pick up ben and then get to bed.

Only other profound moment. Someone told me today that I was acting more like CJ again....

I have certainly been laughing more again..... why?