Monday, May 30, 2005

star light.... star bright

so the first star I see tonight.......

Do I believe in wishes coming true? wishing on stars.....

Need to go and pack for my flight to Wellington tomorrow - early no less. :) Figure I'll just drive to the airport myself and leave the car there. Easier than sorting out rides. (In my head, anyway!)

But oh, what to take? hehehe. Actually - it's more a matter of getting all my work together to take up there, which will weigh way more than my clothes. Sad, really.
Jackie is taking off to Vietnam this weekend, and is super excited about it all. Excellent stuff! She's gone for two weeks, and is so looking forward to the adventures. Sounds like she's pretty much got it all planned.
I need to go and sniff around perfumes to see which one to get duty free. YAY! Haven't splurged on something like that in so long. Ains cracks me up with her fancyfree ways.... I told her she would have to teach me in the ways of "makeup" one of these days... when I feel the need to be all serious about the fact that I may have wrinkles, and what I should actually be doing about them?! She's a real girl - and I can but try.
Though.... I like the lines in old people... I figure as long as I laugh enough, they will be the right kind of wrinkles... in all the right places. :)

Anyway.... I'm in awe of the two flatmates..... and how we seem to blend so well, when we are all so different. They were beautiful yesterday... and I do feel blessed knowing that I have that support. We all ran off to see Bride and Prejudice, and left the movie theatre in fits of laughter - while trying to figure out all the gorgeous moves. Inspired me to head over there soon though! The colours, and sounds, and beauty - while still being a poor country. It's like an oxymoron.
But then there are so many countries like that. So many places to visit and experience! ahhhhhh.... enough dreaming.
For now, wellington will have to do. hahaha
Would love to find time to run to Te Papa to see the art exhibition. That's the one thing that is actually motivating me to still go up there. Insane, really. We shall see! :)

Right - packing.


Sunday, May 29, 2005


what a day.....

I woke up and found a friend online when I jumped onto the computer.... Julie and I have been chatting alot lately, which is always super cool. Not only cause I appreciate her sound advice, and the fact that she is always more than real with me - but I get to hear her accent too! hehehe.

Seriously... I didn't get to talk to her today because I was already chatting to a long lost friend who used to live here, but has moved to London now. It was all kinda nuts, cause I was trying to talk to a friend of a friends - but she ended up being at the house. Nice surprise. :)

From there, I managed to get myself out the door to church - knowing full well that I was not in a great space yet, but needed to be there. I think I only went because I had to take Ain's salad and a present for Les. I managed to make it through most of the praise and worship before I felt the tears sting the corners of my eyes.
Then it was all over, rover.
I stood there, eyes firmly closed - wondering if that would stop then from cascading down my cheeks? Who was I kiding?!
I think I managed to mostly regain my composure - as much as I ever have, and when it came time for the kids to leave for their classes I did what any twisted, gut wrenched person would do. I bolted!
I felt stiffled, and unable to breathe while I was inside - knowing full well it was all me and my mind, but all I could think about was getting out and heading to the beach. I wanted to pound my way up the long beach.... have the air blow my hair around.... and just have the space to scream if I wanted.

I got to the beach.... sunbeams galour. There were even somes guys out there surfing.... the waves doing some serious crashing around them. I'd gone home to change my shoes and grab my down jacket. So, bundled up, and then headed out. The wind is always quite chilly out there... but it felt good. Almost had a numbing effect on me. I jumped and thuded and let loose on the sand, while thinking inside.... what on earth is going on?!
I wish I had the answers, and the ability to actual describe the feelings which are rampaging their way through so many twists and turns - but I don't.
It felt good to be out there... and I know that I needed that time to myself to get alot of it out of my system.

I eventually came home - knowing full well I was going to have to face Jacx and the phone call which I so wanted to avoid. Avoid it, I did for a while..... the phone would ring, and I just switched it off. terrible, and immature - I'm fully aware of it all..... but I knew the questions, and didn't know the answers, so felt it was all a little pointless. We would both get frustrated.
Eventually - Jackie came home, and she ended up answering the phone. DRAT!
hehehe.... childish - yes!
So, I couldn't hide anymore.
Still... it was just as I imagined. I didn't know what to tell her. I don't have the answers yet...
I wish I could snap my fingers and go.... ahhhhhh, so that's what all this is about, but I can't!

I want to blame someone, or something - but I can't.

It boils down, pretty much to a rejection that just won't go away and leave me alone. As hard as I try to be positive, and accepting of myself.... it boils down to a hate that seems to be deeper than I can just pick out of my life. It's burrowed so far down into my very being that I don't even know where to start in getting rid of it. I hate myself. And while it sounds stupid, selfish, and so totally self absorbed - it's not even something I want to think about..... I just loathe me.

Tough when everywhere you go, there you are.


I know it's not who I am, but I can't seem to shake it. It's exhausting, and childish, and lonely. But trying to explain it makes me feel even more stupid.

On that note....
I think I can go crawl into my hole now.

Ka kite

Saturday, May 28, 2005

home again, with head exploding....

It always takes a while for me to get my head around being back home. It's always with such relief that I lay my head on my own pillow, that I snuggle down beneath the sheets that cover the plush wool underlay that I sink into to sleep a deep sleep......
Nowhere will beat my room, with my comforts which may to some be simple.

This trip did err on the side of social. Had the most stunning drive up the coast to Kaikoura, onto Blenheim which was all lovely. Even got to sink into a spa bath on the first night - which was lovely. Onto Nelson the following day. They were all rather full days, with driving through little towns which proved less than useful, but still rather nice to stumble across.

Stayed with some friends in Nelson that I hadn't seen since Tamati's wedding. Was great to catch up with Jill. John was asking me all the hard questions - my 5 year plan, and how I'm going to get there. While Jill is just super encouraging. Had a great time there. The next night Mike flew down, and so we stayed out there... but didn't spend as much time with them. Even got to see Jill's father who I haven't seen in YONKS! Thursday and Friday were spent again checking out the smaller places to see if there was anything out there. By Thursday night I was totally zonked. We made it to Maruia Springs where the hot springs were the perfect end to the day of galavanting around the country side.
made it back yesterday to watch Star Wars. Even managed to stay awake through the whole thing - though my eyes did get very heavy at one stage. I think I actually found it funnier than I should have. hehehe. Still, can see how it all ties in nicely with the next one now. Still don't think George Lucas should ever be allowed to try and do a love scene. Just not a good combination!

So.... Mike survived the driving around, and we didn't kill eachother. Was awesome to catch up with him and just be. I guess thats one of the things I appreciate most about him - is the fact that I don't need to be anyone else. While I still struggle to let go of everything, and somehow the fear of getting hurt (while I don't even know how I could get hurt) does throw me over the edge of reason, he's the one I most want to talk to about things. The one who won't be afriad of asking me the bigger questions, making me think about it from all angles. Paranio seems to be my friend, which is not typical, and not a nice thing to suddenly realise you are experiencing. Julie just laughs at me and my insane ways. But can I expect people to be patient and put up with it all?

Off to catch up with jacx shortly. Pumpkin soup has been made, and will be nice to see her. Turns out she had a dream about me last night - which tied in with everything I told her today. Bummer she had no answers for me though.
Catching up with Erin later today, and then tonight Tim and Euganie are coming round for dinner and a game of something? Will be great to catch up with them both. Feel like I hardly see them these days.

Next week is more madness..... Wellington for a couple of days - and was supposed to be flying up for Queensbirthday, but thinking it makes more sense to leave that one till later on. Eevryone I could catch up with is busy doing other things, and while a weekend away is never a bad thing, in my current state of mind, being given the space to spend all that time on my own thinking - can't be good!

Oh - officially an aunty today too..... Tawhi was born around 5 this morning. YAY! So, in theory, I should really be flying north to see them instead! Tamati is super excited, and says he's just BEAUTIFUL! :)

Really need to get a camera now, so I can get snap happy!


Monday, May 16, 2005

back in the land

Where to even start on this one?

Last week was a HUGE week..... driving around the South. What awesome country side, and what a perfect time of year for me to get to see it all. The colours just blew me away..... you could see exactly what Graeme Sydney saw when he was painting some of his gorgeous scenes. Inspired all sorts of thoughts and feelings. I wished that I had brought along a camera. Can't wait to get snap happy again soon! :)
I actually had a quick look at a few cameras today. I'm so torn between the super trusty slr and getting a digital - which yes, could be an slr, but just doesn't feel right. (or sound right for that matter! lol) I still like playing around with film, but maybe it's just me being set in my ways. I mean, I can play around with developing - but way more difficult, and time consuming, and money draining to have to set up a dark room, when there are so many different programmes out there for the computer. Tough one.

So.. it was another week of battling the huge learning curve that will one day become comfortable. Might even have a clue about what I'm supposed to be doing?! One can hope.
I spent the first 2 days with my current boss, which at first freaked me out, turned out to be fantastic! Certainly gave me a boost, and helped me to find my feet. I've felt as though all my confidence fled when I started the job... and it's been pretty awful. I can't begin to explain it all, when I can't quite get my head around it myself. The weekend before I went was full of craziness, and just left me feeling exhausted, and worn out - to then take off and be on my own was a little more than I wanted to deal with at the time, but through everything you learn and grow.
When I talked to benny on Wednesday, he asked how I was coping with being on my own, and I had to confess to him that I had created an imaginary friend - "Zippy" who had been doing a good job of keeping me company - though he's a little more quiet than I would perhaps have wanted in a friend. :) Needless to say, I was relieved when ben declared he was coming up to Christchurch on Friday, and so, he droped off his car at Judy's in Geraldine and we drove up late on Friday. Was nice to have some company for just those couple of hours. Good chance to really catch up with someone... and it would seem alot is going on for him these days.
Had a hillarious night in Queenstown on Thursday night with him and Margo. Cooked up some pasta, after grabing some dvds. Took us ages to pick out something - and that was without Margo. All we knew was that the one movie we both wanted to see, she refused to watch. lol Ended up getting out a Kiwi flick and a brit one. Kiwi was quite sad - not what I expected at all.... but the other one.... we just rolled around in laughter. Was super crazy and funny... and I obviously in the mood for insane. Nothing like a night of madness to get you out of the slumps.

The weekend was one of solitude.... or a "deep funk" as someone once called it. I did get to catch up with miss julie, and that was hillarious. We are so alike. Probably a good thing that we're on the other side of the world from eachother.... we would get into way too much mischief. I do miss her though. She's supposed to be catching up with us in Canada for Christmas or New Years? Will be fantastic to see her again. Did find an amazingly cheap flight from LA to NZ, alas... I don't know anyone who can drop everything for a holiday.

Meanwhile... Nig is all go for Christmas too. Will be sooooo good to see him! Haven't heard much from him lately. Not sure when his parents are heading over there... next couple of months. He's only got a couple of months left at school - and then I think he may head down to South America for a while? Hard to keep track of that one. Was trying to figure out how to catch up with Bex over there too. Could turn into quite the catch up session.... wohooooo! :) It is pretty great having friends all over the world - but even better to catch up with them all!

Wow.... I'm just in babble mode. absolute randomness.... I must be tired.

better end it there, before I get carried away.

Thinking about running away to Hanmer for Friday night. Would be good to catch up with Greg, and get away from the city. hehe. Jacx is worried that I'm avoiding the world, and people... I'm not sure that I'm avoiding people.... just keeping to myself more. while I try and process the things that are getting dredged up right now. Funny the way we grow up.

into the night.....

Friday, May 06, 2005


First week done.... huge sigh of relief.

For some reason my brain is somewhat detached from reality. I figured that since everyone loved me in my last job, and everyone wanted to talk to me there - I would just be transfering my loveliness to the new job, and of course meeting awhole lot of new people, who would instantly go WOW, of course we want to talk to you.
So - my head is much smaller, and my ego took a dive. :)
It turns out people don't like me any more, and I'm really going to have to prove my worth. However, things are looking up, and I am getting over the ego thing!

I take off on Monday for a big adventure! Super exciting stuff. I have appointment everywhere, which is pretty cool... get to meet Miss M in Timaru, which is awesome. Picking up my new semi boss for the next 3 months from the airport just after 9, and then we're off. I didn't know what to do about accomodation, so just going with the flow. Insane, perhaps. Could I end up sleeping in the back of the car.... exciting adventure awaits! :) (Sore back to boot?!)

Ahhhh... exciting times lie in wait.... for exciting people to catch a whiff of the breeze that blows...
autumn tones.....
and the crunching underfoot. it gets louder as the seasons change, and the passing of time catches up with the world....

and I dream.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


Back from wellington, and just feeling wowed.

What have I gotten myself into?

I arrived in Wellington mid Morning and was picked up by one of the office girls - who was sweet. It was a quiet trip to the office though, which did little for my nerves.
No problem... I enjoyed the scenery - always one to take in everything I can. I just loved driving around the hills..... it's quite beautiful.

Once at the office, I finally got to meet Sonia who I've spent a great deal of time hassling over the phone in my old job. She's always been a huge help, so it was nice to finally meet her. My boss was there in one of the offices, so expected him to do the training with me, but it ended up being done by the office manager - which was fine and dandy. Of course, it then all comes out. My boss has just handed in his resignation, and it's all over that day! He pulled me aside later that morning to assure me that it had nothing to do with the company, and was all due to personal issues back in Australia. He was still very excited about where the company was going, and was convinced that I would do a fantastic job. So, after all my talking with him about how I was more interested in having a job where I was going to be given alot of support, and training - my support walks out the door that afternoon!
I'm still gutted! and blown away!

I don't think anyone has been hired to take on the Auckland region yet, and now they need someone to take over his job too. Crazy stuff.
How do I end up in these situations. Again, the idea that I need more character springs to mind. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???

I want to be a 3 year old who doesn't know well enough to not just throw a temper tantrum when things seem so totally incomprehensable.

I know it's not that bad - and at the same time I just laugh. I will be ok, and I will figure it all out. I just thought this was going to be slightly smoother sailing?! :) hahaha

Meanwhile - things to get used to - I realise how much free reign I honestly had at the old job. Totally..... and it's going to take some getting used - reporting back in a more formal setting, instead of just yelling down the hallway as John walks past, as to what is going on. I'm going to miss that, as it really is more my scene - but I understand the importance of this too, and the fact that I'll just be learning the organised way - which is all good!

So... all that aside....
I've got a COOL NEW CAR! :)

Yeah - that's what it comes down to now. Poor Miss Molly is going to feel a little neglected for a while. This one certainly lacks her character, but it will be sweet to drive around the country side!

From next week I'm all over the place. It's going to be a very full on weekend. Head south, and don't get back until the middle of the next week. Have two full days here, and then the following Monday - head North. Going to see if I can spend that weekend in Hanmer with Greg on the way back?! The middle weekend in Queenstown with Benny?
YAY.... to see all the South Island. Now, all I need is a camera to capture the moments. Rach wants me to document all the public toilets and create a super comprehensive map for them all. Reminds me - must get good map of south island tomorrow. YAY!

Had dinner with Shane on Monday night too.... added bonus of being up there. Was awesome to catch up with him! :) Just very easy conversation, and good company. Don't think the wine did any talking either.

Right....... sleep..... sleep.... sleep....sleep

Sunday, May 01, 2005

big day

Fly up to Wellington tomorrow.... after a super busy weekend. I've been running around trying to get silly things done before starting the new job. And of course, as I sit here I remember things I didn't get done.
They can wait.

Did get to have a good ol'catch up with Jacx on Saturday morning. We headed out for breakfast. Saturday is normally up on the hill with flatmate Jackie - but she had a wedding to go to, and Jacx and I had been trying to catch up for ages now. Very relaxing morning... headed for the book store after good coffee, and then went to check out the art centre. Hadn't wandered around there in ages, and there are always cool things to check out at the different stands. Was a gorgeous sunny day, and just one that made indulging a slowness and mellow mode easy. :)

Got hom to a pile of laundry and a room that just wasn't terribly inviting. I don't like to begin something knowing that I'm leaving a mess to bug me, so had to fix that today. actually... I went shopping yesterday afternoon. Not sure what came over me. I wanted to find some material to do some sweing, but didn't even make it into the right shop. Got slightly side travked with coats.... winter and all I needed to look. Actually.... walked out with more than a coat - but all needed for the new job. REALLY!
For someone who doesn't enjoy shopping, I did pretty well.

Fly out just after 10 in the morning... mostly packed and ready for anything.... it's been zanny figuring out what to wear - for me, who normally just doesn't give these things a whole lot of thought - I just like being comfortable.
Not good enough according to the beloved friends.
Then there is the whole catching up with Shane thing. YAY! Finally. Of course - I'm the one who has to go up there. Typical.
In many ways the guy reminds me of benny. Can that be good? hahaha

shall report on the madness when I return on Tuesday.... after I go and pick up the new car, and swing by to see John - who is dying to know what I'll be touring around the country in. HAHAHA
That, and he can't wait to talk to me about all the jobs he needs to finish for me! :)
Mad man... is going to go more crazy.