Tuesday, April 14, 2009

can't sleep....

I've been tossing and turning.

My head is full of questions.... un-answerable ones, but that doesn't stop me from throwing them around in the dark.

Unfortunately none of them have stuck to the walls, or ceiling and they land right back where they came from. To continue the swim through whatever else has happened today.

Maybe they'll end up stuck to some question from a client about the amp rating required to run a specific motor? Or maybe to the the flight schedule I was trying to sort out tonight for the trip to Rarotonga for my brothers wedding.

I have plenty of things that I actually need to spend time and effort on - but instead the questions which keep me awake are the ones I can do absolutely nothing about. The one's that will probably be left un-answered, that we are left to let go of, or be dragged down by the weight.

How long will I carry them?

Perhaps it could all be compared to sin? We choose whether we carry it around, or ask for forgiveness. Most of the time we carry it, with our guilt thinking this is what we deserve. How could God forgive us when we do such terrible things?

But Easter is all about how that was changed. One man changed it all and he would have done it JUST FOR YOU.

By holding onto the sin and by believing that we deserve to carry it around with us, we're choosing to not believe that God did come to take it all away from us. To wash us whiter than snow.

So - we either believe in God. Believe that we are forgiven. Or, we believe that it's better to carry it around - there by dis-honering God and the amazing act/gift that was given to each of us.

I'm choosing God, and accepting what I don't deserve, but what he freely gives to me.


Lifehouse - Broken


The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

They used this song in the Easter production I saw while I was down in Christchurch. I've always liked it - the whole concept of holding on to Christ. Right now, it feels a bit like an anthem for each day. Just holdin' on. If that's all I can do, it's enough.


Does anyone have a quick remedy for a broken heart?

Is there such a thing?

A quick fix?

Will super glue work?
An antiseptic cream?
A soothing balm?

A hug would probably do wonders about now.

I'd like to be gracious through the hurt..... but honestly..... uhg.

I know that being tired is partly to blame right now. My allergies are kicking in again - so it's time to change the medication. 6 months seems to be the max that I can stay on any one drug before I get used to it and it stops working.
Mum is doing well, though I tend to worry about her too much.
There is the stress of the job and house.....

And the ever persistent question of... What am I still doing here?

I had hoped that this would be a better year, but so far, I feel battered and bruised.
I know I'm not alone..... but right now, its feels like the bottom has dropped out from under me.

I'll be diving into the bible tonight looking for some soothing words to carry me through this one. I suspect that David may understand how I'm feeling right now.

I actually picked up a Beth Moore study book - "Living Free" about praying God's word. Think I'll get into that after a trip to the gym.

Any suggestions are always appreciated. :)


The weekend....

What a weekend.

Emotionally, incredibly draining. Perhaps even that is an understatement? I feel like the littlest thing may just leave me in a heap on the floor.

Last year my birthday fell on Easter Sunday - which was amazing! And Jiljane came up to spend it with me. So, only fair that I should fly down to Christchurch to spend Easter with her this year.

I flew down on Good Friday night and left very early on Monday morning.

I don't like making tons of plans when I go away, but do try to have some loose plans with friends that I need to catch up with. I'd organised with most to have dinner on Saturday night, and to have brunch up on the hill that morning. Other than that.... it was a matter of trying to fit everyone in.

Flying in I was amazed at the feeling of coming home. Why did I leave again?
It didn't help that the weather was perfect. The sun shone all weekend, and while it got cooler one night - it really wasn't any worse than up here. The mountains were majestic, the trees a wonderful array of autumn colours, and everything felt crisp and ready for change.

Perhaps that feeling got into my bones?


Most of my friends down there are pregnant. Waddling around with their big tummies. Quite funny. It's funny how this has changed one particular relationship. Most of the friends I've only known while they've been married - and so our friendship developed around that.
Jacx and I are different.

We both arrived in Christchurch the same week. She from South Africa, and I from San Francisco. This is when God moved in a HUGE way.
We met through a family friend that I was staying with, actually at an auction. he he. We were both looking for beds, although neither of us got one. I did end up buying her a bedside table though. :)
After looking at a hopeless number of houses to move into, God put me into the house on the hill - which was just up the road from her. We quickly became friends.
I'd like to think that she needed me as much as I needed her.
We'd both walk up and down the hill to see each other. I was studying, and became involved in the church with her. While I was going through heartache, it was an amazing time of God growth.
There was Bible school, being part of the praise and worship team, challenged to be a leader... awesome times.

The next year she came back from South Africa, and I was a tutor at a private girls school, and as God would have it - another position opened up for Jacx. We lived in huge old houses which backed onto eachothers back yards.... so we'd pop through a fence to catch up.

The year after this.... I guess God thought we had been here long enough to build up other relationships. :) She moved across town and I moved a couple of blocks from the school into a house with 2 other girls and a guy. 1 of those girls was Danica - in fact, it was her parents house, the other was my friend Jackie... so God was in total control there.
Peter pumpkin and I still keep in touch from time to time as well.
But the relationship that I have with Danica and Jackie is pretty precious....

Anyway.... when Jacx got married (3rd stint as bridesmaid... there's a photo way back somewhere on here) things did change. I guess God knew that would happen - and he moved them 2 blocks away from me! We would have our chick flick dates, and the bond was solid.

Now.... things have changed again. I started this year off by writing her several letters spilling out my heart, and while we will always be close - it does feel like she's crossing into this new phase of her life without me.

I didn't get to spend enough time with her over the weekend - which was partly my fault - but I think I did it to protect myself as well. I don't want to really acknowledge the change.
I think I'll have to write her another letter this week.

I know that there are seasons.... and reasons for things to change..... but I'm not enjoying it.

And at the same time there are just so many other decisions which have to be made. A plan to be formed. I don't feel like I know which of the paths in front of me is the God given one.

I trust that He'll keep slaming doors on me when I choose the wrong one, but I'd quite like to find the right one and continue running the race.
The last few months have felt like way more of a roundabout than a path.

And I may be getting dizzy.

If you've managed to get to the end of this... could you please pray for me. That I wouldn't base my decisions on where my family is at, and learn to trust my heart.

I'm trusting that the desires of my heart are not going to be wasted, and that all the passions I have will be given a chance to grow and be used.
I just need to know where and when to jump.

Be blessed, friends. And really praying that your Easter has been a time of reflection at what has been given. LIFE.

Tons of aroha.

* I'm really loving the photo with the black background. Think I may have to get this one framed to put on the wall. :) Actually - think it may have to be for someone else. My walls are filling up. he he.

flight home....

I flew out at 7am, so had the early morning colours. Was a great flight - with some stunning scenery.

Story time..

Evie reading me a bedtime story....
So cute, and great reader too!!

The Easter Cake

This gorgeous creation was our dessert on Saturday night with the photo of the decorators above..... we all brought curry and stuffed ourselves. It was lovely. Hilarious conversation - but no game was played. I need to go down again!!!

the hills are alive with the sound...............

The view from Jiljanes house. I could quite happily sit outside and watch the ever changing picture - especially at sunrise and set. My first year in Christchurch, I lived a little further over on the hill so I had a view of the sea and the alps. It was amazing! I could lie in bed and watch the sun come out of the ocean in the morning, and then set over the alps.
Gordie and I joke about finding another house up there. Not the most perfect of houses, but he still declares I was the best flatmate ever. :) He wasn't bad either... even brought me flowers for cooking him dinner... was quite the deal.

Christchurch - Botanical Gardens

The Peacock Fountain - only, there are no peacocks on the fountain, and would
you believe the fishy looking creatures are supposed to be dolphins. Very creepy looking dolphins.


OK.... we were in Hagley park, enjoying the sunshine - and I thought I would try to get a photo of the three of us. Total silliness - but have to post it!

Jiljane, Jacx and myself.

Christchurch - JJ and CJ

Jiljane and I standing outside CUP. Managed to stop giggling long enough for this shot. :)

This is where I used to go every Saturday morning when I was living down there. If I'd had the week away, all my friends knew they could come and catch up with me there. The view is AMAZING!
It's been sold twice since I left, and is now a tad too commercial for my liking. In fact, if I still lived there I'm sad to say I would have to find another Saturday morning hide out.

Christchurch - Catherine and Kids

I met Catherine back when I was working at briscoes.... ahhh, the days. She has since become a wonderful and ever wise friend.
It was great to see her and the kids. Gorgeous!

Christchurch - Andy

Andy and I.... catching up at CUP on the hill. Candice was off at a rehearsal, so I was thrilled that Andy came anyway. We were up there for about 3 hours, and talked about way too much girly stuff for him. But it allowed him to put off building the new wood shed. :)