beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

~
It is that time of year once more.....

The Christmas tree is up, and there are presents underneath all ready to be torn apart on the day, and I've been baking like a wild thing.

Most of my clients have received their gingerbread men, though I will need to do another baking stint this weekend to get it all finished.

This time of year seems to be more chaotic than typical, and I have to remind myself the reason for the season - which is NOT to stress yourself out and get all wound up about what you haven't done.

Before I know it - the new year will be here.....

For now, I hope I can catch my breath and enjoy the season ahead.

Hope you all do as well!

Be blessed.

memory lane.....

Gosh...... flicking through some old photos and this one takes me down memory lane.

It's taken at Yosemite - in Tuolumne Meadows. Actually, this would have been the night of the bear I think?
10 years ago.

How time zooms by.

Who was I back then, compared to who I am now.

I'd like to think I've aged graciously. That I've learnt from my past experiences, and grown into a better version of myself. But then we are ever learning and ever growing. At least that's the plan.
Imagine if our growth became stilted, and we stopped striving to become more Christ like.

Actually.... I'm sure we all have moments like that in our life..... where we feel like we're in the dark, struggling to see and figure out what direction to go in.
It's almost like we're a seed in the gestation period..... if we would just keep looking up, soaking up the nutrients all around us, we'd grow towards the sun.

All just musings and mutterings as spring springs around me......

Life is good!

xx

perhaps.....

I was listening to an interview with the lead singer of a "Christian" band the other day.

At the same time I'm reading "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell.

The part that I'd just finished reading was about how we like to label everything. What makes a band "Christian"? Should we attempt to label?

Just some questions....

But what I found more interesting was what this guy was saying in his interview. He was talking about being a Christian, and how this influenced his music.

Instead of talking about the music, he talked about how we as Christians were the biggest hypocrites. How we somehow mistook the role of "Christian" to mean that we had to portray ourselves as perfect. When in fact we should be out there showing the world that we're imperfect, but we have God's grace and mercy.

We should be the first to say Wops, made a mistake there..... sorry.

We shouldn't put so much pressure on the people who are in the spotlight. They too are human, infallible? I don't think so.

Anyway... all jumbled thoughts right now. But that struck a chord with me. I don't want to be one of those people who walks around "Hollier than thou", I want to be real with people - which I guess means showing my weaknesses. Showing I am human.

I hope I do that anyway.... but it's certainly something to think about.

a little raw

I was at a woman's conference on Saturday.

A great day with a room full of woman of all ages, stories being shared along with tears being shed. As one lady got up, she said - I don't know about you guys, but my bra is soaking wet.

What a thing to say and yet I could relate.

5 days later and I'm still a little raw from the things that were revealed to me. Actually, little may be a slight understatement.

And so, the things which have hurt need to be dealt with.

To top it all off, I'm now sick in bed with a chest infection.
I have to get out of this house and quite possibly this country. he he.

I've been reminded of my days working at the boarding school.... my passion for young girls. It all kind of ties together with what's been going on in my heart, and also the whole idea of going back to study.
I'm going to finally finish my teaching degree...

And I'm excited about it. A little confused as to why I'd get excited about something I don't actually want to do?! But maybe it's what I need to get back into a boarding school situation. While I don't want to be a teacher... I would love to be in a place like that again.

Which ties in with a few other things....

It's an interesting road.... interesting thoughts.....

For now... I just need to keep dealing with the raw stuff and get better.

Hope everyone else is feeling a little stretched. A little pruned. Alive!


"You make everything glorious and I am yours..... what does that make me?"
~ David Crowder.

going AWOL.....

Again....

I'm in the process of packing up - not only my house, which really hasn't started to happen yet, but also this site.

Yes, all sorts of crazy things are going on here.

The biggest change though, is one of heart.

It's just too late and unfortunately, I'm feeling a bit sick, so I really wouldn't be able to do any of the story justice.

Instead..... a song.....

I've been singing it for the last 3 days, and would love someone else to be humming the same tune.

Living Rain

It's by one of the biggest NZ worship bands.

Really praying that everyone is doing well. I hope to sit down and catch up over coffee with you all soon.


This has been another thought running through my head lately:

"Go into the world and preach the gospel, and if you must, use words."

Wouldn't that be a beautiful world to live in.

xxxx

can't sleep....

I've been tossing and turning.

My head is full of questions.... un-answerable ones, but that doesn't stop me from throwing them around in the dark.

Unfortunately none of them have stuck to the walls, or ceiling and they land right back where they came from. To continue the swim through whatever else has happened today.

Maybe they'll end up stuck to some question from a client about the amp rating required to run a specific motor? Or maybe to the the flight schedule I was trying to sort out tonight for the trip to Rarotonga for my brothers wedding.

I have plenty of things that I actually need to spend time and effort on - but instead the questions which keep me awake are the ones I can do absolutely nothing about. The one's that will probably be left un-answered, that we are left to let go of, or be dragged down by the weight.

How long will I carry them?

Perhaps it could all be compared to sin? We choose whether we carry it around, or ask for forgiveness. Most of the time we carry it, with our guilt thinking this is what we deserve. How could God forgive us when we do such terrible things?

But Easter is all about how that was changed. One man changed it all and he would have done it JUST FOR YOU.

By holding onto the sin and by believing that we deserve to carry it around with us, we're choosing to not believe that God did come to take it all away from us. To wash us whiter than snow.

So - we either believe in God. Believe that we are forgiven. Or, we believe that it's better to carry it around - there by dis-honering God and the amazing act/gift that was given to each of us.

I'm choosing God, and accepting what I don't deserve, but what he freely gives to me.

Life.

Lifehouse - Broken

Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you


They used this song in the Easter production I saw while I was down in Christchurch. I've always liked it - the whole concept of holding on to Christ. Right now, it feels a bit like an anthem for each day. Just holdin' on. If that's all I can do, it's enough.

broken...

Does anyone have a quick remedy for a broken heart?

Is there such a thing?

A quick fix?

Will super glue work?
An antiseptic cream?
A soothing balm?

A hug would probably do wonders about now.

I'd like to be gracious through the hurt..... but honestly..... uhg.

I know that being tired is partly to blame right now. My allergies are kicking in again - so it's time to change the medication. 6 months seems to be the max that I can stay on any one drug before I get used to it and it stops working.
Mum is doing well, though I tend to worry about her too much.
There is the stress of the job and house.....

And the ever persistent question of... What am I still doing here?

I had hoped that this would be a better year, but so far, I feel battered and bruised.
I know I'm not alone..... but right now, its feels like the bottom has dropped out from under me.

I'll be diving into the bible tonight looking for some soothing words to carry me through this one. I suspect that David may understand how I'm feeling right now.

I actually picked up a Beth Moore study book - "Living Free" about praying God's word. Think I'll get into that after a trip to the gym.

Any suggestions are always appreciated. :)

xx

The weekend....

Wow...
What a weekend.

Emotionally, incredibly draining. Perhaps even that is an understatement? I feel like the littlest thing may just leave me in a heap on the floor.

Last year my birthday fell on Easter Sunday - which was amazing! And Jiljane came up to spend it with me. So, only fair that I should fly down to Christchurch to spend Easter with her this year.

I flew down on Good Friday night and left very early on Monday morning.

I don't like making tons of plans when I go away, but do try to have some loose plans with friends that I need to catch up with. I'd organised with most to have dinner on Saturday night, and to have brunch up on the hill that morning. Other than that.... it was a matter of trying to fit everyone in.

Flying in I was amazed at the feeling of coming home. Why did I leave again?
It didn't help that the weather was perfect. The sun shone all weekend, and while it got cooler one night - it really wasn't any worse than up here. The mountains were majestic, the trees a wonderful array of autumn colours, and everything felt crisp and ready for change.

Perhaps that feeling got into my bones?

Change........

Most of my friends down there are pregnant. Waddling around with their big tummies. Quite funny. It's funny how this has changed one particular relationship. Most of the friends I've only known while they've been married - and so our friendship developed around that.
Jacx and I are different.

We both arrived in Christchurch the same week. She from South Africa, and I from San Francisco. This is when God moved in a HUGE way.
We met through a family friend that I was staying with, actually at an auction. he he. We were both looking for beds, although neither of us got one. I did end up buying her a bedside table though. :)
After looking at a hopeless number of houses to move into, God put me into the house on the hill - which was just up the road from her. We quickly became friends.
I'd like to think that she needed me as much as I needed her.
We'd both walk up and down the hill to see each other. I was studying, and became involved in the church with her. While I was going through heartache, it was an amazing time of God growth.
There was Bible school, being part of the praise and worship team, challenged to be a leader... awesome times.

The next year she came back from South Africa, and I was a tutor at a private girls school, and as God would have it - another position opened up for Jacx. We lived in huge old houses which backed onto eachothers back yards.... so we'd pop through a fence to catch up.

The year after this.... I guess God thought we had been here long enough to build up other relationships. :) She moved across town and I moved a couple of blocks from the school into a house with 2 other girls and a guy. 1 of those girls was Danica - in fact, it was her parents house, the other was my friend Jackie... so God was in total control there.
Peter pumpkin and I still keep in touch from time to time as well.
But the relationship that I have with Danica and Jackie is pretty precious....

Anyway.... when Jacx got married (3rd stint as bridesmaid... there's a photo way back somewhere on here) things did change. I guess God knew that would happen - and he moved them 2 blocks away from me! We would have our chick flick dates, and the bond was solid.

Now.... things have changed again. I started this year off by writing her several letters spilling out my heart, and while we will always be close - it does feel like she's crossing into this new phase of her life without me.

I didn't get to spend enough time with her over the weekend - which was partly my fault - but I think I did it to protect myself as well. I don't want to really acknowledge the change.
I think I'll have to write her another letter this week.

I know that there are seasons.... and reasons for things to change..... but I'm not enjoying it.

And at the same time there are just so many other decisions which have to be made. A plan to be formed. I don't feel like I know which of the paths in front of me is the God given one.

I trust that He'll keep slaming doors on me when I choose the wrong one, but I'd quite like to find the right one and continue running the race.
The last few months have felt like way more of a roundabout than a path.

And I may be getting dizzy.

If you've managed to get to the end of this... could you please pray for me. That I wouldn't base my decisions on where my family is at, and learn to trust my heart.

I'm trusting that the desires of my heart are not going to be wasted, and that all the passions I have will be given a chance to grow and be used.
I just need to know where and when to jump.

Be blessed, friends. And really praying that your Easter has been a time of reflection at what has been given. LIFE.

Tons of aroha.
xxxx

* I'm really loving the photo with the black background. Think I may have to get this one framed to put on the wall. :) Actually - think it may have to be for someone else. My walls are filling up. he he.

grace, mercy, love.....

~
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9,10

It's been a hard day. I wish I had read this before I tried to stumble through the day in a bit of a blur, and in mostly a grump.
I don't like being grumpy with people - and normally I can't stay mad at anyone for more than 5 mins, but my boss really managed to push all my buttons yesterday.

I felt so unappreciated, belittled and silly.

Unfortunately I carried that around with me for much of the day. It wasn't helped by the fact that I've felt like an elephant has been sitting on my chest all day, and so just breathing has been a struggle.

The coughing fit that woke me at 2:45am and carried on until after 5am probably didn't help the mode. The drinking of too much cough mixture in absolute desperation, which turns out to be a laxative also didn't help. (But now makes me giggle... what a trade off!!)

Through it all, I sit back now and read those words in 2 Corinthians.

Hi grace is enough for me.... and He's more powerful, more able, more mighty in my weakness, I just need to hand it over, and allow Him to move in all my circumstances. ALL OF THEM!

Not get all picky and only hand him some of the things I'm dealing with.... He knows them all anyway - but being a gracious, loving Father, He sits back and patiently waits for us to ask. For me to humble myself and place my problems at the foot of the cross trusting that He cares enough to pick them up.

And if I believe that He does know the number of hairs on my head, that he knew me and knitted me in my mothers womb, that He sent His one and only Son to die for me....

After all that - how could I not believe that He cares about the little details of my day?

How?

who will sing me lullabies.....

Who will sing me lullabies - Kate Rusby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=No5FkAmTaJY


Lay me down gently, lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know.
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

In this big world I'm lonely, for I am but small,
Oh angels in heaven, don't you care for me at all?
You heard my heart breaking for it rang through the skies,
So why don't you sing me lullabies,
Oh why don't you sing me lullabies.

I lay here; I'm weeping for the stars they have come,
I lay here not sleeping; now the long night has begun.
The man in the moon, oh he can't help but cry,
For there's no one to sing me lullabies,
Oh there's no one to sing me lullabies.

So lay me down gently, oh lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know .
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep



Kate became one of my favourites years ago.... I think when I first moved back to New Zealand...

Anyway, I was listening to this song last night and thinking about how God wants to sing us lullabies. He wants to love us and comfort us. The idea that he would stand over me and sing me lullabies is such a gorgeous picture.....

A Friday night..

~

On a Friday night…..

I’m sitting in a café, Main street Hamilton, on the night of the first day of the Hamilton 400. The city has taken on a new look. There is a band blaring outside on the main street; it having been closed to all cars for the night – and the restaurants have made the most of it with lots of outside seating – no longer a footpath in sight as people begin to spill onto the streets.

I haven’t been in the best of moods today.

My boss ran off to watch the racing, which is great. In the lead up to the huge event he became more and more like a child in a candy store. It was actually wonderful to see someone who was looking forward to something so much. I’m glad he took the day off to go and enjoy it.

I don’t mind being left in the office, but it was dead!

Everyone in the electrical industry was down there enjoying it. I rang a few of my suppliers and all I could hear while I was talking to them was a brrrrrrooooooooooom every few seconds as a car zoomed past. Quite amusing, while they tried their best to convince me that they were in fact working hard.

I’m beginning to feel more and more like a little fish swimming in an enormous pool/lake/ocean…….

It’s not that I feel out of my league as such… more like I’m just stuck and don’t know how to grow this into something bigger.

I guess that ultimately scares the hell out of me because what if I do decide to start doing my own thing. Ultimately I would like to work for me, but would I get to this same place and begin to flounder around too. What would be different? Just the fact that I needed to succeed because it was that or fail myself?

Do I feel complacent because I’m working for someone else who just doesn’t challenge me, or really encourage me to do anything different – therefore I get more bored, but less inclined to jump up and do anything because it’s really not even expected.

Mediocre is alright?

Since when was I ok with being mediocre????

I’m not!