Tuesday, April 14, 2009
What a weekend.
Emotionally, incredibly draining. Perhaps even that is an understatement? I feel like the littlest thing may just leave me in a heap on the floor.
Last year my birthday fell on Easter Sunday - which was amazing! And Jiljane came up to spend it with me. So, only fair that I should fly down to Christchurch to spend Easter with her this year.
I flew down on Good Friday night and left very early on Monday morning.
I don't like making tons of plans when I go away, but do try to have some loose plans with friends that I need to catch up with. I'd organised with most to have dinner on Saturday night, and to have brunch up on the hill that morning. Other than that.... it was a matter of trying to fit everyone in.
Flying in I was amazed at the feeling of coming home. Why did I leave again?
It didn't help that the weather was perfect. The sun shone all weekend, and while it got cooler one night - it really wasn't any worse than up here. The mountains were majestic, the trees a wonderful array of autumn colours, and everything felt crisp and ready for change.
Perhaps that feeling got into my bones?
Most of my friends down there are pregnant. Waddling around with their big tummies. Quite funny. It's funny how this has changed one particular relationship. Most of the friends I've only known while they've been married - and so our friendship developed around that.
Jacx and I are different.
We both arrived in Christchurch the same week. She from South Africa, and I from San Francisco. This is when God moved in a HUGE way.
We met through a family friend that I was staying with, actually at an auction. he he. We were both looking for beds, although neither of us got one. I did end up buying her a bedside table though. :)
After looking at a hopeless number of houses to move into, God put me into the house on the hill - which was just up the road from her. We quickly became friends.
I'd like to think that she needed me as much as I needed her.
We'd both walk up and down the hill to see each other. I was studying, and became involved in the church with her. While I was going through heartache, it was an amazing time of God growth.
There was Bible school, being part of the praise and worship team, challenged to be a leader... awesome times.
The next year she came back from South Africa, and I was a tutor at a private girls school, and as God would have it - another position opened up for Jacx. We lived in huge old houses which backed onto eachothers back yards.... so we'd pop through a fence to catch up.
The year after this.... I guess God thought we had been here long enough to build up other relationships. :) She moved across town and I moved a couple of blocks from the school into a house with 2 other girls and a guy. 1 of those girls was Danica - in fact, it was her parents house, the other was my friend Jackie... so God was in total control there.
Peter pumpkin and I still keep in touch from time to time as well.
But the relationship that I have with Danica and Jackie is pretty precious....
Anyway.... when Jacx got married (3rd stint as bridesmaid... there's a photo way back somewhere on here) things did change. I guess God knew that would happen - and he moved them 2 blocks away from me! We would have our chick flick dates, and the bond was solid.
Now.... things have changed again. I started this year off by writing her several letters spilling out my heart, and while we will always be close - it does feel like she's crossing into this new phase of her life without me.
I didn't get to spend enough time with her over the weekend - which was partly my fault - but I think I did it to protect myself as well. I don't want to really acknowledge the change.
I think I'll have to write her another letter this week.
I know that there are seasons.... and reasons for things to change..... but I'm not enjoying it.
And at the same time there are just so many other decisions which have to be made. A plan to be formed. I don't feel like I know which of the paths in front of me is the God given one.
I trust that He'll keep slaming doors on me when I choose the wrong one, but I'd quite like to find the right one and continue running the race.
The last few months have felt like way more of a roundabout than a path.
And I may be getting dizzy.
If you've managed to get to the end of this... could you please pray for me. That I wouldn't base my decisions on where my family is at, and learn to trust my heart.
I'm trusting that the desires of my heart are not going to be wasted, and that all the passions I have will be given a chance to grow and be used.
I just need to know where and when to jump.
Be blessed, friends. And really praying that your Easter has been a time of reflection at what has been given. LIFE.
Tons of aroha.
* I'm really loving the photo with the black background. Think I may have to get this one framed to put on the wall. :) Actually - think it may have to be for someone else. My walls are filling up. he he.