Friday, September 22, 2006

some more....

The sun set was taken the same day as the other two... the day of the mighty walk around the mount.

The other was taken up on the Coromandel. WOWEEEEE, it is so crazily beautiful to drive around that area. So amazing!!!
I want to go and explore lots, but having a few issues these days.

Yes, it's been another tough week. Lots of things being brought up that I'm just not dealing with terribly well.

The whole friends thing - or lack there of.
I don't cope well when I lack people to talk through the big things with. And as much as I enjoy talking on the phone, it's not working.
Part of the problem is the two people that I probably talk to the most, and really nut through things with are both overseas right now. I haven't lived in the same city as either, so don't often get to catch up... when we do, we always have super fun and somewhat crazy times. It's not even like I talk to them that often... benny dissapears for weeks at a time, and often doesn't have reception when he's working, and Shane I probably talk once a week at the most, unless big things are going on in our lives.
They do both keep me sane though....
Yes, I have other friends, and I love them dearly, but it's different.

I know I need to call some of the others though, and seriously ask them to pray with me on some of these things.

Yesterday, I hit a wall.
I had organised to meet an old flatmate who moved up here last year. We were just going to have coffee and catch up. I got a phone call while I was driving as well from this other guy - the one that I got all excited about as being a perspective friend. He was actually heading in the same direction as me, so suggested we meet up along for the way for a coffee. Yes, I got excited!
However... we managed to zoom past eachother, and that was the end of that. I offered to come down and see him in another town on my way home - though he said he would call - he got caught up and that was that.
Oh well... headed off to have coffee with old flatmate, and wouldn't you know it, she didn't turn up.

Yeah.... Satan had a feild day on my head! Nobody wants to be my friend. I must be a horrible person. Not worth knowing. Pathetic. Needy.
The words are still spinning around in there, though I'm sifting through it all, and trying hard to feed it some good food now. It's always easier to believe the bad stuff though.

Rejection and I.... not good.

I do take everything far too personally, especially when I don't know the people that well. I can handle it now when people I've known for a long time blow me off... I know where they are coming from, and the reasons, and I guess you just get a feel for where the other person is at.
Now, i second guess everything.

I actually did get to talk to the guy today. Now I realise that I have been selfish and totally self absorbed about where I'm at, what it is I need.
I'm saddened by the fact that he's not in the space to get to know me. I'm not used to having people reject my friendship.... not when there is that instant connection like that.... the whole sit down and talk, and feel as though you could share anything with them.
It saddened me more to hear that he felt he could talk to me, that he had already shared more with me than most people knew, and yet.... thats pretty much it.

Will he miss out on living simply because the fear of getting hurt is too great.
I hope not.

So...that's the space that I'm in now. It will get better. It is just a season. And God is in control!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

some pics... at last!

At last. I've given up on waiting for my computer.... so thought I had better check out some of the latest pics that I've had sitting in my camera.

This was a couple of weeks ago. I had to head over to Tauranga for work, and had arranged to meet this new friend of mine at the Mount for coffee. He ended up having a horrible day, so I thought a walk around the Mount would be a good thing to blow away the blues. I of course hadn't brought over any shoes for walking... so declared I would do it in bare feet. he laughed... but off we went.

This was about half way.... and about this time my feet were SORE!
It was little gravel bits the whole way round. I jumped from grassy spot to grassy spot, but they were littered with little stones too, so didn't help much.

HOWEVER, the fact that it got my friend laughing at me, and forgetting about the bad day he'd just had made it all worth while. That, and we got to watch the gorgeous sunset, and a HUGE ship head out to sea right in front of us too.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

beginnings..... and endings....

I'm feeling like a strange in my own little world.

It's been ages since I last posted anything, or even sat down to read what's been happening for others. Slack!

Things are still packed up, and in a way it feels like my life is on hold. Perhaps my own doing?
I'm enjoying the farm. The fresh air. The mooing. The crowing at 4am, or 2 if the moon is full. The Meows and barks. And the quiet neighs from the goats. The horses do seem to be the quietest, while also the main population of the farm. I guess they are a contented bunch.

The job is going well. I've learnt so much already, and yet not nearly enough. I've had meetings upon meetings with big wigs from big electrical companies, and have to say, I've been so blessed with the number of wonderful people that I get to go and have coffee with. :)

At the same time though... I'm more lonely than I can remember ever being. I'm sure I felt this way when I first moved to the States, but this time, I don't know? I got a call from a very old friend who used to live here. He's now living in Australia, working as a chaplain in a posh school, and loving it. I was in a meeting when he called, so when I got out I got to listen to his message and quite promptly burst into tears. Yeah.... dramatic, huh! hehehehe I had to get over it pretty quickly, as I had other clients to go and see right then. He called later, and we chatted away which was wonderful.
It's like I've gone back to that fearful, fake me. The one who can be friendly with anyone. Can chitchat and ask a million questions about someone. BUT, I don't let my guard down often. I almost feel like I'm a snob. There are very few people that I meet and instantly click with..... so that I actually really, really want to get to know them.
It sounds quite calous when I write it like that. I'm not. I like to give people my time, and love to get to know them..... but it's often a long process....
There are those odd moments when you meet someone and you instantly want to spend time with them. You feel like they understand who you are and where you are coming from.

It's my greatest, deepest fear...... that I'll be misunderstood for the rest of my life.

I've met one person that gets me most of the time since I got up here... and after being alone for over a month, I think I might have just gone a touch overboard and freaked them out completely.
So... while they may have understood me a little.... the desperation for me to have someone to talk to may have just been too much. hehehe.

Does anyone know about the Marshmallow experiment??? Yeah... would I be able to wait the 20mins??? Right now, doubtful.

Anyway..... the topsy turvy world will continue to spin at an incredible speed. I will continue to ask questions, and to seek wisdom, and try my utmost to leave it all to God. I suspect that this vulnerable state is where I'm meant to be. And I've got to let go of people, and fill the void with Him.

In his hands.