Friday, September 22, 2006

some more....

The sun set was taken the same day as the other two... the day of the mighty walk around the mount.

The other was taken up on the Coromandel. WOWEEEEE, it is so crazily beautiful to drive around that area. So amazing!!!
I want to go and explore lots, but having a few issues these days.

Yes, it's been another tough week. Lots of things being brought up that I'm just not dealing with terribly well.

The whole friends thing - or lack there of.
I don't cope well when I lack people to talk through the big things with. And as much as I enjoy talking on the phone, it's not working.
Part of the problem is the two people that I probably talk to the most, and really nut through things with are both overseas right now. I haven't lived in the same city as either, so don't often get to catch up... when we do, we always have super fun and somewhat crazy times. It's not even like I talk to them that often... benny dissapears for weeks at a time, and often doesn't have reception when he's working, and Shane I probably talk once a week at the most, unless big things are going on in our lives.
They do both keep me sane though....
Yes, I have other friends, and I love them dearly, but it's different.

I know I need to call some of the others though, and seriously ask them to pray with me on some of these things.

Yesterday, I hit a wall.
I had organised to meet an old flatmate who moved up here last year. We were just going to have coffee and catch up. I got a phone call while I was driving as well from this other guy - the one that I got all excited about as being a perspective friend. He was actually heading in the same direction as me, so suggested we meet up along for the way for a coffee. Yes, I got excited!
However... we managed to zoom past eachother, and that was the end of that. I offered to come down and see him in another town on my way home - though he said he would call - he got caught up and that was that.
Oh well... headed off to have coffee with old flatmate, and wouldn't you know it, she didn't turn up.

Yeah.... Satan had a feild day on my head! Nobody wants to be my friend. I must be a horrible person. Not worth knowing. Pathetic. Needy.
The words are still spinning around in there, though I'm sifting through it all, and trying hard to feed it some good food now. It's always easier to believe the bad stuff though.

Rejection and I.... not good.

I do take everything far too personally, especially when I don't know the people that well. I can handle it now when people I've known for a long time blow me off... I know where they are coming from, and the reasons, and I guess you just get a feel for where the other person is at.
Now, i second guess everything.

I actually did get to talk to the guy today. Now I realise that I have been selfish and totally self absorbed about where I'm at, what it is I need.
I'm saddened by the fact that he's not in the space to get to know me. I'm not used to having people reject my friendship.... not when there is that instant connection like that.... the whole sit down and talk, and feel as though you could share anything with them.
It saddened me more to hear that he felt he could talk to me, that he had already shared more with me than most people knew, and yet.... thats pretty much it.

Will he miss out on living simply because the fear of getting hurt is too great.
I hope not.

So...that's the space that I'm in now. It will get better. It is just a season. And God is in control!


mreddie said...

Long ago I remember that there were days and even weeks that I felt rejected and not cared for - or such was my perception - but for that time my perception became reality. Looking back, it was just that, my perception, because I was massively loved by my Heavenly Father. After I realized that, it became my perception, and then became reality, and still is today. Of course you know all that and as you said, it is just a season. ec

Mikey K. said...

Ah, but is god truly in control of your life CJ? Is he really, or do we all just like to believe he controls us/everything so we can place the blame elsewhere because of the fear of our own actions?

The important part is that you know without a doubt that someone somewhere loves you and always will no matter what. You must learn to love yourself before the love of others reaches your heart and clears the clouds from your eyes. YOU are the most special person in your life, YOU are worth living for, YOU come first before anyone else, YOU are always loved.

Always in my prayers and lots of love.
Your friend,

Snaggle Tooth said...

I've been feeling very alone myself this year, as work on nights n week-ends allows no plans with anyone.

I finally just got to see my younger daughter n grandson visiting in town (who live 250 miles away) for about 2 minutes (I missed sleeping) for the first time since March! That's a long wait- n short, but so needed! I did feel left-out!

Some people you can just pick-up where you left off with, others aren't as easy. Sounds like the new friend's expectations are different, that's all.

Lately I've been believing that we were all created because God was lonely- and he tests all the best people with lonliness just to see what we do with it.
Something to chew on!
(perhaps my next writing project, also)

Jayleigh said...

****hugs**** for you dear sweet sister!

I believe Snaggle Tooth is right about God testing you to see what you do with it.