Sunday, May 29, 2005


what a day.....

I woke up and found a friend online when I jumped onto the computer.... Julie and I have been chatting alot lately, which is always super cool. Not only cause I appreciate her sound advice, and the fact that she is always more than real with me - but I get to hear her accent too! hehehe.

Seriously... I didn't get to talk to her today because I was already chatting to a long lost friend who used to live here, but has moved to London now. It was all kinda nuts, cause I was trying to talk to a friend of a friends - but she ended up being at the house. Nice surprise. :)

From there, I managed to get myself out the door to church - knowing full well that I was not in a great space yet, but needed to be there. I think I only went because I had to take Ain's salad and a present for Les. I managed to make it through most of the praise and worship before I felt the tears sting the corners of my eyes.
Then it was all over, rover.
I stood there, eyes firmly closed - wondering if that would stop then from cascading down my cheeks? Who was I kiding?!
I think I managed to mostly regain my composure - as much as I ever have, and when it came time for the kids to leave for their classes I did what any twisted, gut wrenched person would do. I bolted!
I felt stiffled, and unable to breathe while I was inside - knowing full well it was all me and my mind, but all I could think about was getting out and heading to the beach. I wanted to pound my way up the long beach.... have the air blow my hair around.... and just have the space to scream if I wanted.

I got to the beach.... sunbeams galour. There were even somes guys out there surfing.... the waves doing some serious crashing around them. I'd gone home to change my shoes and grab my down jacket. So, bundled up, and then headed out. The wind is always quite chilly out there... but it felt good. Almost had a numbing effect on me. I jumped and thuded and let loose on the sand, while thinking inside.... what on earth is going on?!
I wish I had the answers, and the ability to actual describe the feelings which are rampaging their way through so many twists and turns - but I don't.
It felt good to be out there... and I know that I needed that time to myself to get alot of it out of my system.

I eventually came home - knowing full well I was going to have to face Jacx and the phone call which I so wanted to avoid. Avoid it, I did for a while..... the phone would ring, and I just switched it off. terrible, and immature - I'm fully aware of it all..... but I knew the questions, and didn't know the answers, so felt it was all a little pointless. We would both get frustrated.
Eventually - Jackie came home, and she ended up answering the phone. DRAT!
hehehe.... childish - yes!
So, I couldn't hide anymore.
Still... it was just as I imagined. I didn't know what to tell her. I don't have the answers yet...
I wish I could snap my fingers and go.... ahhhhhh, so that's what all this is about, but I can't!

I want to blame someone, or something - but I can't.

It boils down, pretty much to a rejection that just won't go away and leave me alone. As hard as I try to be positive, and accepting of myself.... it boils down to a hate that seems to be deeper than I can just pick out of my life. It's burrowed so far down into my very being that I don't even know where to start in getting rid of it. I hate myself. And while it sounds stupid, selfish, and so totally self absorbed - it's not even something I want to think about..... I just loathe me.

Tough when everywhere you go, there you are.


I know it's not who I am, but I can't seem to shake it. It's exhausting, and childish, and lonely. But trying to explain it makes me feel even more stupid.

On that note....
I think I can go crawl into my hole now.

Ka kite

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