sorrow.....

I flew up to Auckland on Friday for my job interview.... the big day spent with the potential new boss.
It was a gorgeous flight up, and I actually managed to keep my nerves in check - but that could possibly be because I had taken so many pain killers, and other pills to ease everything else I was feeling.
I just happened to arrive after the All Blacks, to the delight of the Lady who was picking me up, which was great. Had I not been told - would I have noticed? Maybe?

It was interesting to have a look around head office and meet some faces to go with the voices that I hear often at the end of the phone. Not quite what I expected, but when is it ever? All went well, and I ended up spending some time with the girl who was hired to work in Auckland. She was lovely, and super passionate about her job. It was during that time I realised that while she was passionate about what she was doing now... so am I, and I don't want to leave that behind - especially for this job. It would not be me. I could maybe stomach it for a short period of time - but long term. NO. I would be bored to tears, and ready for a change again. Not helpful for the company to spend money on me, and then not get the better deal.
So - have yet to ring Judith to let her know my decision, which I'm not excatly looking forward to. Yes.... I'm putting it off. haha
I did ring John to talk to him about it all today - which was great. Super helpful. He agreed with me, that it would be stupid for me to go ahead and run with it, if I really wasn't going to enjoy it - and yes, he thought I would get bored. Not quite what either of us imagined the job to be in the long term. Funny that!

meanwhile - the timing with everything has been good. Can't help but feel that God had the bigger picture in mind when he got me up here. I got to see Nana on Saturday - from a distance, because I'm still pretty sick.... but still got to talk to her. She wasn't looking too good, and has been getting worse very quickly. I'm supposed to fly back down tomorrow - but looks like I will stay up here until the end of the week.
It's so hard seeing someone who has always been so solid, and alive become a shadow of her former self. to see her slip away.
The doctor doesn't think she will last much longer..... just hanging on till Moana gets here tomorrow. I know John will be heartbroken that he didn't get to see her again.... he just got married on Saturday, and rang here after talking to nana that night. He's been calling her often, and said she still had words of advice for him when he called. When she last wrote to me, she sent a list of things to think about in regards to marriage. Classic stuff!!
She's having trouble breathing now, which is the worst part. You can't wish for someone to hang on, and stay around when they aren't able to do things that we just take for granted.
Margy is up here, which is great, and Dad is heading up tomorrow to pick up Moana from the airport - so all the kids will be with her tomorrow. I won't get to see her again...... makes me sad that I didn't get to spend any time with her before now... but was very cool to keep getting the letters while she's been sick. Our little correspondence.
Dad was going through pictures tonight... looking for ones with her in. I had one when I was 11 I think.... at Papakura.... super smiley Nana..... always a rock, but so encouraging.

I'm not ready for a funeral.... it all feels rather sureal and too fast.

ahhhhhhhhhh... the circle of life.