How I love to be blasé about things that bother me or turn my world upside down.
Certainly easier with some things.....
I got an email yesterday. Yeah - an email. I don't generally mind emails. In fact, any kind of mail generally gets me quite excited.
This one didn't. It was from Bruce.
Funny.... there in my inbox it sat - just staring me in the face. And I could immediately feel my heartbeat quicken. My hands probably shook.
After 3 years I got an email from him earlier this year. He'd just been back to the States for his younger sisters wedding, and he'd caught up with all the family - so wrote and told me about it. It was cool to hear about it all, though at the same time my heart did flip flops, and I wondered about it all.
I don't love him any more. I don't think I could if I tried. I wonder about him. I'm still in contact with his mother and aunt - though we're not exceptional at keeping in touch. hehehe. Very rarely do either of them mention him to me, which is fine and dandy. It's all kind of a catch 22. I want to hear, but when I do, I do go into emotional mode.
I can't help it.
I've prayed about this one for a long time. That God would heal my heart. That I wouldn't have any feelings for him, and that it wouldn't have any effect on me. I don't want to keep carrying this one around with me everywhere I go. It seems completely insane - especially after the way things were when I was in England. I wanted closure - I got it by the truck load! So - when I say that I don't love him, that I know he wasn't the one, and I know that it all worked out for me. Why the emotional rollercoaster when I get an email?
I feel myself shut down in a way... my heart clamps and I get grumpy. Poor Ben had to deal with it when he first got here. To make it worse, I don't want to talk about it - because it all feels so silly. Is it that I don't want to admit how fragile I am or feel? To admit that it does still effect me after so long. I'd be the first to jump up and down and say ..... no way do I still feel anything. But I guess there is still that feeling of absolute hurt and betrayal. I don't hate him. I don't think I ever did. I just always felt so completely devestated and hurt by it, but forgave him for it all.
Maybe that's it. When I hear from him I close off because someone could do that again, and even though it's been so long, I still have the bruises, and remember all too well how much it hurt then.
Does that mean that I'm holding onto the hurt too closely so that God can't actually do anything about it. The whole... here, fix it, while I cling to it for dearlife because I'm way too scared that even you might accidently do something? And it will hurt all over again... maybe even more.
So... in amongst all this is my absolute fear of rejection... which is like a shadow following me around. It reared it's head when I went to give Ben his Christmas present. Something as silly as that. That he would reject something I had done. It felt like I was giving away apart of myself... and in doing that, opening myself up big time. I had to joke around about it all... saying that he could always just hide it away until I became super famous, and then he could get rid of it and make his millions. You know the whole build yourself up, while in actual fact you are crumbling inside.
ahhhhhhhhhh....... I don't like feeling this way!!!
I don't like pretending either.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpases knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
somewhere in it all - there is a peace.