Tuesday, December 20, 2005

upside down....

How I love to be blasé about things that bother me or turn my world upside down.

Certainly easier with some things.....

I got an email yesterday. Yeah - an email. I don't generally mind emails. In fact, any kind of mail generally gets me quite excited.

This one didn't. It was from Bruce.

Funny.... there in my inbox it sat - just staring me in the face. And I could immediately feel my heartbeat quicken. My hands probably shook.
Bad, huh.

After 3 years I got an email from him earlier this year. He'd just been back to the States for his younger sisters wedding, and he'd caught up with all the family - so wrote and told me about it. It was cool to hear about it all, though at the same time my heart did flip flops, and I wondered about it all.

I don't love him any more. I don't think I could if I tried. I wonder about him. I'm still in contact with his mother and aunt - though we're not exceptional at keeping in touch. hehehe. Very rarely do either of them mention him to me, which is fine and dandy. It's all kind of a catch 22. I want to hear, but when I do, I do go into emotional mode.

I can't help it.

I've prayed about this one for a long time. That God would heal my heart. That I wouldn't have any feelings for him, and that it wouldn't have any effect on me. I don't want to keep carrying this one around with me everywhere I go. It seems completely insane - especially after the way things were when I was in England. I wanted closure - I got it by the truck load! So - when I say that I don't love him, that I know he wasn't the one, and I know that it all worked out for me. Why the emotional rollercoaster when I get an email?

I feel myself shut down in a way... my heart clamps and I get grumpy. Poor Ben had to deal with it when he first got here. To make it worse, I don't want to talk about it - because it all feels so silly. Is it that I don't want to admit how fragile I am or feel? To admit that it does still effect me after so long. I'd be the first to jump up and down and say ..... no way do I still feel anything. But I guess there is still that feeling of absolute hurt and betrayal. I don't hate him. I don't think I ever did. I just always felt so completely devestated and hurt by it, but forgave him for it all.

Maybe that's it. When I hear from him I close off because someone could do that again, and even though it's been so long, I still have the bruises, and remember all too well how much it hurt then.

Does that mean that I'm holding onto the hurt too closely so that God can't actually do anything about it. The whole... here, fix it, while I cling to it for dearlife because I'm way too scared that even you might accidently do something? And it will hurt all over again... maybe even more.

So... in amongst all this is my absolute fear of rejection... which is like a shadow following me around. It reared it's head when I went to give Ben his Christmas present. Something as silly as that. That he would reject something I had done. It felt like I was giving away apart of myself... and in doing that, opening myself up big time. I had to joke around about it all... saying that he could always just hide it away until I became super famous, and then he could get rid of it and make his millions. You know the whole build yourself up, while in actual fact you are crumbling inside.

ahhhhhhhhhh....... I don't like feeling this way!!!

I don't like pretending either.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpases knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3:16-19

somewhere in it all - there is a peace.


Neo said...

CJ -Ending relationships always hurt. There is no avoiding it. You just have to make the best of it, hopefully learn something, and move on. God will put peace back in your heart. Sometimes it takes years to occur. Hang in there. *hugs*

Using up the words.... said...

Neo ~ Thanks. I know it will all be better one day, but in my head I think... WHAT! It's been almost 4 years. What is your problem?!?! Especially when, for the most part - I'm fine and dandy.

Morgan said...

ouch...if someone as brilliant and strong as I think you are can still hurt...i'm screwed. it's interesting how one moment you can think you're fine, and the next you question it. The thing I've noticed about love, is if it's real, you'll always carry it with you...and you should...it is apart of you and who you've molded into. When you have love that is held in a negative light, it's really hard to move it into the positive, but it's important that you do. Remember the good times, and fond memories. Acknowledge the negatives that brought the relationship to a close...but ultimately, consider them positive for bringing you to the place you are today. Everything God does is for a reason. I'm the last person that will accept it because I'm so damn stubborn...but deep down I know it's true. I'm still working on it...but given time, Neo is right, God will make it all right once again in your heart. **hugs**

Mella said...

Oh CJ, so you certainly can relate (although on a much much more intense level) with the character of Grace.

Sometimes the hardest part of healing is letting go. Letting go and giving in to whatever God plans - letting go of the hope that *maybe*, just *maybe* things will work out the way you want. Because in the end, no matter what the outcome, the only peace to be found will be in the acceptance of God's plan for you.

~~~Sending you hugs and warm thoughts and prayers~~~

mreddie said...

There is a gospel song written by Joel Hemphill that has the line in it: "The only real peace that I have Dear Lord is in You". The song speaks of life's needs and frustrations and keeps coming back to the same line: "The only real peace that I have Dear Lord is in You". And this was the line that kept coming to me when I read your post. Cling tightly to Jesus, He delights in giving you peace. ec

Using up the words.... said...

Morgs ~ We're all strong! :) I just don't like how good I've become at acting some days. Most days are all good though, and I do like who I've become through everything that has happened to me. I have no regrets, just lessons learnt. My mother calls me "strong willed", which I much prefer to stuborn.
Thanks, and *hugs*

Mella ~ thanks for your sweet words. I guess my struggle has always been the process of trying to figure out what God's plan actually is for my life. Maybe I do really lack the faith to completely let go? But I am trying... knowing that His plan is the right one. I am scared that I won't know that love again.
Really appreciate the prayers and thoughts Mella. :)

Mr Eddie ~ thanks. Just wondered... would Jesus suffocate with me clinging too tight? ;) I love the way God plants words and songs in our heads while we're reading or doing something that is just what someone needs to hear! :) Very special.
I've been waking up singing this week, which I love.

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I know one day I'll be able to look back and just marvel at how I've grown, and things have changed. I'd like to fastforward the process - cause patience is a virtue I'm lacking! But I know I'd miss out on the lessons along the way.
Just know you are all such a blessing!