Wednesday, October 06, 2004

say won't you say.....

Whew.... just lost a super long blog. Don't you love it when the computer seems to be against you! There are evil boggies in the system somewhere, and they don't want my thoughts out there to polute the world, and all other bloggers. hahaha. Evil cackle right back at you!!!

BUT..... I'm slightly more composed in comparison to before, and feel ready to almost doze off. This week seems to have run away with me - and I realised my blogs have been few and far between - what a slacker am I.

This morning did not start terribly well.

For anyone out there who has woken in floods of tears, you will understand. Yes, I woke myself up sobbing, and I've only done that once before that I can distinctly remember. The last time was when I was back in Canada, and someone died in my dream..... then, like this morning, it was so real.

I was standing in front of Nana, and she was just telling me that I was special, and everything would be ok.

I don't know what she was refering to in any way.... and I don't know what about it made me cry, unless it was just me realising that she was gone?

Yes, today, it has sunk in that she isn't around any more. I don't know why it's taken so long. The whole week I was up on the farm I was feeling so sick, and when I wasn't out on the farm, was pretty much curled up sleeping, or keeping busy, that it didn't really register, and I was aware of that.
Today - while I was super busy, if I sat down, thought for any length of time, tears came to my eyes. Funny to think about now - but still sad.

I found my last card from her sitting in front of my computer when I sat down. Got it from her the same week I went to Auckland, which is pretty impressive. Especially when I think about how incapable she was of doing anything then. Everything was a huge effort.
Inside her card were some notes that she'd found somewhere, and thought they were quite a good suggestion. hehe. Gotta love her.

Thoughts about marriage:
1. Not too quickly
2. Not too young
3. Not too eager
4. Don't try to please someone with your choice
5. Don't marry someone until you know them in lots of different ways (how they think etc)
6. Don't get married with unrealistic values
7. Don't marry anyone with personality problems unless you are willing to live with that - deal with it. 95% can be known about that person before marriage
8. Keep eyes wide open before marriage - closed after that

When I was talking to Ngaroma after the funeral and told her about the note, she told me that nana had her copy one for me and one for Huia - my cousin who is the same age as me, and also still single, while our younger cousins are getting married around us. Brilliant stuff.
She was pretty good at handing out the advice, while never forcing anything down your throat - letting you figure most of it out for yourself.

So...... something to work through. Jacx told me last week that i had a right to grieve, and who knew how long it would take to get over. I just laughed at her... cause I was fine. SO FINE! hahaha

So... the different ways to deal with this?

Mum rang last night to say thanks for her pressies. of course, she had more news, besides the disasters that took place at trivia night. haha.
Anyway - my great aunt, who mum and I went to visit while we were in England a couple of years ago was in a car accident around Christmas time (Those terribly narrow roads in summerset!!) She was in hospital for quite a while then, and was finally let out, when she had a stroke. She died yesterday.
I was just thinking about her the other day. She had a rule with mum and I to send eachother PPP's ... Pretty Picture Postcards everywhere we went. I was looking for a good one to send her. Gutting!!
Mum and I were both just glad we'd gotten to spend some time with her when we did!! Yes - something good always comes out of the disasters in our lives!! hehe. (I had run over there, and everything had turned to seriously gluggy custurd... so mum came over and we travelled around together having a GRAND time... not once killing eachother in the streets - except for that close call in Oxford, for which I still feel terrible!)

So... while I've had the serious number of engagements in my life...... I'm just praying this isn't a switch to another circle of life!
emotional rollercoasters and me seem to go hand in hand.

on that note.....


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