Saturday, November 26, 2005

work in progress.....

Matthew 10:29-31 (The Message)

Forget About Yourself
29"What's the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. 30He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail--even numbering the hairs on your head! 31So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries."

I slept in.
Pretty good for a Saturday morning. And no, I didn't even head up the hill for the traditional mocha and view.
Today started with what has kind of become the ritual phone call from Mike. We kind of have fleeting messages during the day - which is pretty much the only form of communication going for us when I'm at home, and maybe a few txts while I'm on the road - but otherwise Saturday mornings are the only time we actually talk. And I miss the conversations.

I'll admit right now that I'm tired, and not sleeping well. That I am overly sensitive. And, that maybe, just maybe, I'm not thinking rationally all the time.
BUT.... still.

I'd sent Mike a message yesterday after I talked to Tamati and Tess, and mentioned the whole idea of moving back up there. Go and live on the farm for a while, save the pennies, head over to Canada.... but be around the family first. He was like - yeah. ok. Don't forget about the Canada thing.

Right now I'm feeling useless at work. I'm frustrated at the lack of communication, and the fact that when I email and ask for feedback on how I'm doing that I get none. I have no idea what they are thinking. I really would like some support, feedback, ideas! I don't like dragging along, not being the best that I can be in this situation.... and so, I want to jump ship. I know that it will all be better next week when I'm away - because it is always bussier, and I feel as though I'm doing something worthwhile.... but is it enough to feel useful for 2 weeks out of 4. I miss the chaos on my old job. I thrive on being busy, and doing well. I want that feeling back.

So, mix my self doubt at work with my longing to be near family and animals, and sooty dying and you get a pretty good mix of confussion.

Dad called in the afternoon and I asked him how he would feel about having his daughter move home. hehehe. Cheeky, huh. I never thought I would move home. He was, like....
"oh... ok. Are you not happy down there right now?"
"No, dad. I can't get my head around it all, and I don't know what to do. I think moving up there would be good."
"Ok then."

He said he would talk to me in the weekend.

So... told Mike all of this on the phone.

"what would you do up there?"
"get a job... "
"are there any briscoes up there in Hamilton?"
"Yeah, two in Hamilton, one in Cambridge. But I thought I'd try and find something similar to what I'm doing now."
"In Hamilton? oh. ok."

Hmmmmmmmm.... my mind races......
He's saying that I'm not capable of being more than a check out chick. WHY?! Or better yet... there is always McDonalds.

Call me insane.... I want someone to sit down and tell me I can be great! That while I struggle to figure out what I'm meant to be doing.... that it doesn't matter... I can do anything!

I felt belittled by him saying I could go back and work at Briscoes.
Sure if I could get the job that I was doing before the job change - great. I'd love that for a while. :) But he knows saying that I should go work there that it would not be doing that job. That it would be standing at check out. And I'm not doing that. It's not what I aspire to do. It's not what I'm worth. And damit. I am capable of more!!!!!

He had me in tears, though I doubt he realised that.

And when I tried to explain how it all made me feel, he told me that I was being too sensitive, and that I needed to be able to see it for what it was. A comment that I would be able to get a job.
Why would I want ANY JOB? I get bored... I know that... hello! Why am I so frustrated in my current job... BECAUSE I"M BORED!!!

I just don't know what I want to do.... but I need to be challenged, and stretched, and be around people.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with working in a store.... or being a check out chick. I'm saying that I would be in an even worse situation than I am now!
And I guess I was hoping for some insight, thoughts and support.

I thought he would get that.


Expectations..... I'm mad at him, but I know it was my expectations that he would get it, that he would have nice things to say, and that he would have some ideas that wouldn't make me feel worse are really to blame.

I want to kick his pompos ass..... he can sit up there... get his new job... his pay rise, and not give much thought to what he's doing with his life. He's pretty much set. He'll get married next year.... have the kids, get the dog... and that's that.

And I'm happy for him... that he gets to have that......

but I'm gutted that he can't see where I am, and how I feel.

Philippians 1:6
6There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.


mreddie said...

At times I feel that there is no person on earth that really knows how I feel or the things I want to accomplish. But I'm always wrong in that respect because God not only knows what I'm feeling but cares about my next step.

Even when I feel like I've been knocked down by circumstances, the next movement toward rising is to get on my knees. Then since I'm there anyway, I check things out with Someone that really loves me. Then when I do rise, I have more purpose and direction to face whatever I have to face.

In fact, the only times I have ever really had trouble in my Christian walk is when I went the way I wanted to go and did the things I wanted to do - without seeking His guidance.

Hang in there with the Lord, you are stronger than you think - as long as you depend on Him. ec

Bar Bar A said...

It's understandable how you feel right now. I can relate to the job thing because I recently left a job I'd had forever and with my new job I feel energized and enthusiastic. It may be just what you need. Of course Moving home is a big decision...Keep seeking the Lord. I know that sounds like "the Christian answer" but it's true. He'll give you some indication of what you are to do.

Who's Mike? Just started reading your blog so I can't tell who he is.

Using up the words.... said...

Mr Ed ~ I know. I have to stop looking at other people for understanding, and keep turning to God, as well as for the peace that I seem to keep shoving away. Thanks for the reminder that my knees are the best place to be while I'm feeling so disheartened.

Layla ~ Thanks for stoping by. What a week for you to find me. hehe.
Yeah... I seem to have this great habit of handing everything over to God, while holding onto a thread, just in case. madness. :) I'll keep listening though.

Mike - a friend of mine who lives up in Wellington. We don't see much of eachother, at all. But used to spend alot of time talking on the phone. He was always one of the first people that I would want to share any news with. He's in a relationship now, and things have changed... because they do.... and I've been pretty careful about giving him the space, and wanting the gf to have the security of me not being there. if that makes sense. Mike did the usual - nothing will change... but I don't know how you can say that. I wanted things to change for him, and for me to bow out gracefully. hehe. Trying.

Jayleigh said...

My "best friend" is so like Mike. I always wanted him to be the first to know every little thing about my life. My successes were not sweet to him, nor were my tragedies anything to cry about, according to him.

I realized that there wasn't once in the last 7 years that HE called ME for no reason... and he never noticed when we hadn't talked on the phone for 2 months.

I'm not saying Mike is a bad guy, but maybe a tad into himself... and you so deserve a best pal who loves you like you love them.


You're right, there's nothing wrong with being a check-out chick... that's the biggest part of my job... but you DO want something more. I want something more, and it always seems like if you "settle" for the check-out chick job without looking for something else, it will suck the life from you. If you know what I mean.

Love you girl!

Snaggle Tooth said...

Sometimes I resent it when things are going so easily for my male friends, too. It's true women have a harder time getting the desirable jobs. We're supposed to be happy being underpaid, under appreciated, doing boring things, instead of accomplishing and learning cool things, and becoming the managers. It'd be nice to be taken seriously at the job-front sometimes.
I like being busy and not being isolated too! Being paid well for your time should be determined by your ability. Usually ya just have to take whatevers available though.
Good luck on your search.