Matthew 10:29-31 (The Message)
Forget About Yourself
29"What's the price of a pet canary? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. 30He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail--even numbering the hairs on your head! 31So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries."
I slept in.
Pretty good for a Saturday morning. And no, I didn't even head up the hill for the traditional mocha and view.
Today started with what has kind of become the ritual phone call from Mike. We kind of have fleeting messages during the day - which is pretty much the only form of communication going for us when I'm at home, and maybe a few txts while I'm on the road - but otherwise Saturday mornings are the only time we actually talk. And I miss the conversations.
I'll admit right now that I'm tired, and not sleeping well. That I am overly sensitive. And, that maybe, just maybe, I'm not thinking rationally all the time.
I'd sent Mike a message yesterday after I talked to Tamati and Tess, and mentioned the whole idea of moving back up there. Go and live on the farm for a while, save the pennies, head over to Canada.... but be around the family first. He was like - yeah. ok. Don't forget about the Canada thing.
Right now I'm feeling useless at work. I'm frustrated at the lack of communication, and the fact that when I email and ask for feedback on how I'm doing that I get none. I have no idea what they are thinking. I really would like some support, feedback, ideas! I don't like dragging along, not being the best that I can be in this situation.... and so, I want to jump ship. I know that it will all be better next week when I'm away - because it is always bussier, and I feel as though I'm doing something worthwhile.... but is it enough to feel useful for 2 weeks out of 4. I miss the chaos on my old job. I thrive on being busy, and doing well. I want that feeling back.
So, mix my self doubt at work with my longing to be near family and animals, and sooty dying and you get a pretty good mix of confussion.
Dad called in the afternoon and I asked him how he would feel about having his daughter move home. hehehe. Cheeky, huh. I never thought I would move home. He was, like....
"oh... ok. Are you not happy down there right now?"
"No, dad. I can't get my head around it all, and I don't know what to do. I think moving up there would be good."
He said he would talk to me in the weekend.
So... told Mike all of this on the phone.
"what would you do up there?"
"get a job... "
"are there any briscoes up there in Hamilton?"
"Yeah, two in Hamilton, one in Cambridge. But I thought I'd try and find something similar to what I'm doing now."
"In Hamilton? oh. ok."
Hmmmmmmmm.... my mind races......
He's saying that I'm not capable of being more than a check out chick. WHY?! Or better yet... there is always McDonalds.
Call me insane.... I want someone to sit down and tell me I can be great! That while I struggle to figure out what I'm meant to be doing.... that it doesn't matter... I can do anything!
I felt belittled by him saying I could go back and work at Briscoes.
Sure if I could get the job that I was doing before the job change - great. I'd love that for a while. :) But he knows saying that I should go work there that it would not be doing that job. That it would be standing at check out. And I'm not doing that. It's not what I aspire to do. It's not what I'm worth. And damit. I am capable of more!!!!!
He had me in tears, though I doubt he realised that.
And when I tried to explain how it all made me feel, he told me that I was being too sensitive, and that I needed to be able to see it for what it was. A comment that I would be able to get a job.
Why would I want ANY JOB? I get bored... I know that... hello! Why am I so frustrated in my current job... BECAUSE I"M BORED!!!
I just don't know what I want to do.... but I need to be challenged, and stretched, and be around people.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with working in a store.... or being a check out chick. I'm saying that I would be in an even worse situation than I am now!
And I guess I was hoping for some insight, thoughts and support.
I thought he would get that.
Expectations..... I'm mad at him, but I know it was my expectations that he would get it, that he would have nice things to say, and that he would have some ideas that wouldn't make me feel worse are really to blame.
I want to kick his pompos ass..... he can sit up there... get his new job... his pay rise, and not give much thought to what he's doing with his life. He's pretty much set. He'll get married next year.... have the kids, get the dog... and that's that.
And I'm happy for him... that he gets to have that......
but I'm gutted that he can't see where I am, and how I feel.
6There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.