Tuesday, January 24, 2006

trying to understand...

or explain?

As I get older, I seem to be getting more paranoid, more frustrated, more emotional, more anxious, more uncertain and unsure of myself.

I guess in the back of my mind it all shows a complete lack of faith.

And that causes me more heartache.

I can't remember if I ever posted about getting a Christmas card from Bruce's mother; Dee? We're not the greatest at keeping in touch these days, but have managed to at least keep up the Christmas card thing. I still think of her all the time, but I guess I've been trying to let go of that part of my life - gently.
Anyway... normally we don't talk about Bruce, and that's all fine and dandy with me. This year, not really much about him in the letter, but to completely blow me away, she sent a picture of the two of them.
I didn't really think much about it, but this last few days I've been having dreams about him. Yeah... forgot to mention with age I'm becoming more crazy!
I woke up at 4 this morning, and for some reason, the feelings I had were all related to what I fool I was. Not only did I let him break my heart once, but twice! And why would anyone walk into that whole feeling for a second time - and do it with open arms? So, I must be that stupid. And, by doing that, I've completely done a number on my self confidence.
Now... take into account that this was all almost 4 years ago.

but, going back to the rainy Thursday, and my tear drenched drive home from down south, and you have a prime example of how damaged I am.
why was I crying?
Pretty much the whole, I'm worthless issue rearing it's head.

Now... I know that the root of this goes back to Bruce, and the total feeling of rejection. It's obviously something I'm going to have to keep dealing with, but every time I do feel ok, something bites me.
I don't know if it was the picture which served as a reminder, and then put me on edge for the week, or if something else happened?
But what really got me going was the whole mess up with ben. The whole not being able to get ahold of him, and then not staying down there just left me feeling stink. Like really, I didn't matter to him, and he would rather just hang out with other people. Of course... he didn't say any of that, and I doubt those were really his thoughts at all... but that was what ran through my head. Along with thoughts of, you know, no one really cares, and no one would really miss me, and I'm just unloveable.
It sounds stupid, screwballish and irrational. And for someone who is always there for everyone else, and quite happy to be a cheerleader for everyone, I guess I just felt like, in reality, I don't have anyone cheering me on.

Pretty amazing how in one instant, you can feel so flat, so lost and so pathetic.

Now, the pathetic feelings feed the prideful ones, where it's so hard to talk about it all, and explain what really is running through your head, because your pride just won't let you.
I mean, what would everyone think?!

And as we know... it's always about what everyone else is thinking about you that seems to dictate how you are doing. (The lies that I continue to buy into are astounding when I'm in a clear frame of mind)

I struggled for much of the drive home to not txt ben and ask... am I really not worth having as a friend? or anyone else for that matter. I realised I was falling into that whole - pleasing man state again, and actually... this was between God and myself. I can't keep letting people rule my status as a human being. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I do have worth! Now, i actually need to let God show me that, and trust that he will.

I don't know where that leaves me right now... still swimming... trying to relax, and remain focused on where I'm meant to be, and on how God does actually feel about me.
It will get better!

"So, do not throw away your confidence; it it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised....... But we are not of those who shrink back an dare destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:35,36,39

I hope that makes sense now?! Regardless, this one is between me and God, and there will be victory!

Side note... when ben was up for dinner, we actually talked alot about how we both were in this state of anxiety, which is not like either of us. It was nice to talk, and not be over analysed. I think he just listens, and we move on... and I like that.


TaB said...

Well honey, that’s pretty much how I lead my days, on the bleeding edge of a razor lol. I think you are quite ordinary, in a beautiful way – kissy kissy. :)

Have you ever tried yoga & prayer? Really, don’t laugh. Sometimes you know, just a long walk and fresh air helps. I hope you are in a warm place tonight xoxox

Neo said...

CJ - *hugs*

Ok, my Dr. Phil speech.

I know that sometimes you can get down on yourself, hell we all do it.

And sometimes that's a good thing to do to reflect on where are lives are headed. Don't linger there too long.

You shouldn't let anyone tear you down and make you feel less worthy of happiness. You are a good sweet person with a big heart.

I'll say a prayer for you.

As always you know where to find me if you need a shoulder or an ear.

Peace & Hugs,

- Neo

Using up the words.... said...

Thanks Tab and Dr Phil (aka Neo)!

I know... it's all totally insane. I appreciate you guys being here for it all though - more than I can ever really explain!

Your both just Fantastic!!!

Much love,

Neo said...

CJ - Anytime. :) *hugs*