Saturday, July 31, 2004

sunshiney day....

Whew, it's Friday night!!

Yes, another week gone, and I'm home alone. Love it.... having the place to myself after a busy day. Friday's always seem to turn manic, just when you think it's all about to end. Quite amusing... and keeps me on my toes. :o)

Got an email from my Mum last night....  my Nana was diagnosed with a brain tumour a couple of weeks ago.  Not the news that anyone wants to hear. The email was just letting me know that she's starting radiation therapy next week. YUK! There is a part of me that wants to zoom up there right now and be with her, and another part of me that just wants to hide away from it all - and not bother going up at all.... I want to remember her the way she is in my mind, not as she is becoming. My brother scared me by telling me that her memory is going, and that she finds it hard to talk. I don't want to acknowledge that she is getting older, and that soon that part of my life will be gone.
Seeing my other Granny go through chemo and radiation was enough for me. By the time she died, she wasn't my granny, but someone in her skin.... so small and frail, and my granny was always larger than life. I guess in facing this you realise that your parents are getting older. My Dad is 55 now. My Tupu was dead by his age now. Scary!
Granny went into a coma the day before she died.... and I was up there with some of my cousins and my mum and aunts. We all spent the day with her.... taking turns to read to her, and just say goodbye. I can't believe how much it actually hurts to remember that day. I read her Winnie the Pooh, and bits of Danny the Champion of the World, which was one of her favourite stories. She was such a huge part of my life. It was after she died that I really went to being called CJ. We have this funny tradition in our family - where the name Christina goes from first to second name.... my grannies name was Christina - my mother's middle name is Christina, my first name Christina - and should I ever have a daughter - she will have it as her middle name.
Anyway.... I've always been Christy with my family on that side, and Granny was Tina.
After Granny died, I didn't want to hear the name anymore. It was easy changing to CJ since my Dad called me that, and my brothers.... I ran overseas, and it just stuck. Half of my friends don't even know that my name is Christina.
With work it's getting easier being Christina again.... kind of funny having this alter ego. :o)

Sooooo... dealing with the whole idea of death, and changes. Knowing there is a grand scheme in it all....
I still don't like it!


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