Wednesday, July 28, 2004


about to run off to work, but was challenged last night to make this a place where I really spill what is going on in my head, and in my heart.

I would like to think that everyone would understand why that is such a HUGE ask. hehe. Yes, also understand that not everyone needs to get everything out of their head, and onto screen - so, maybe the answer is no.... not everyone would understand that?!

For me, it's huge. I've always kept a journal - at least from the time I was 8, and was on holiday with my parents. OK, I wasn't quite the overthinker that I am now at that young age... but I've always written down the things that have been going on in my life.
Back then, I even did little drawings to really express myself. hehe. Actually, have such vivid memories of always having a book and pencils with me whenever we went somewhere. Yeah, typical you might think..... but I have this super vivid picture of me sitting on some boulders by a stream when I was probably 7, and just watching my family, drawing the scenery as best I could, and thinking about it all. Maybe I have always been a "thinker"?

I've always had a thing about people.... wanting to really know them, but also having huge expectations of them as well. I got wound up this weekend.... in part because I was asked some big questions, and made to think... but it was also that the people that I've grown close to, and seem to sound every other thought off of were busy.... and so, not there for me. At least, thats the way it felt. Did I bother to mention to any of them that I needed to talk. NO! That would have required me to have admited that I needed  them, of sorts, and would have also meant that I would have had to think a little bit more about what I was feeling. I'm not always good at that. Knowing that there are feelings running through my head is one thing.... knowing that these feelings are bringing me down, that's another thing.... but formulating those feelings into sentences that make sense. Totally beyond me at the time.

It pretty much led me to a place of issolation.... a place that I managed to make worse for myself by not opening up.

I was asked what it was that I hated about myself..... and out of all of these things, which could I not actually change? Ouch!

So..... it's going to be another thoughtful day.... it's one thing to actually recognise the things you are struggling with, and another to actually take them and work on them.

And so, the process of becoming me again begins..........

Good thing I've got work to keep me distracted! :o) 


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