thoughts flying.....

I realised that I hadn't stuck up a photo of Mike with Kate which is pretty slack. I need to go and find my memory card from the camera and fix that. I have just the pic too stick up here too.

It's kind of funny.... thinking about that wedding. I guess Mike really was the first of my closest guy friends to get married. The beginning of the letting go.
And in turn.... benny not coming to the wedding with me, and having his girl friend over here seems to have changed our relationship as well. I haven't heard from him since he was driving up to the airport, and I have left a few messages for him.

I'm not dwelling, just thinking.

New seasons are something that we have to deal with. I'm choosing to smile and remember all the awesome times, laughs and love that I have for these two people. Whether or not that is returned is ok.

I've had a bit of a mad week. Emotionally.

Maybe I'm just figuring out more about who I am, and who I want to be.
(Of course I know this is always going on - but I'm certainly more away of things right now)

In typical enthusiastic CJ form I got all excited about a master plan that had formed somewhere in my wacky mind. I had rung Shane last week to tell him about super cheap flights up to Hamilton this weekend. He's been saying he needs a break, and I figured a weekend up here wouldn't be a bad break for him. Anyway... he had all sorts going on this week - but we somehow started talking about the U2 concert.

I got all carried away looking for tickets, and flights, and........
He called while I was at work on Friday - and I was busy doing some orders, so said I would call back. When I called he wasn't around so I left a super long, excited, garbled message about tickets and flights and ..... yes, it was typical of me, but way beyond what most people are like.

Now..... I spoke to him briefly after that when he called while I was getting my haircut, and since then it's been a game of phone tag.

I felt like I had to ring him and apologise for my enthusiasm, and for the way that I got carried away with planning and everything else.... but at the same time, I don't want to. I don't see why I need to apologise for who I am!

So, I'm not going to.

I really feel as though I'm being led to who I'm meant to be. It's not a particularly nice walk. In fact, kind of lonely right now... as I stumble and compromise, and forget - but, I really do believe that in the end, I'll be more of who I'm meant to be.
And that feels good.

Eventually, I'll meet the people who understand, and get excited and want to do wacky things with me. Till then, I'll try to choose carefully and not take it personally when I get that funny look from someone, which clearly says - are you for real?