hot and sunny!

Just got home from driving around looking at house with my flatmate, Jackie. We originally left the house for me to post a letter, and get some coffee, but ended up picking up a realestate magazine, and then zooming around. 4 hours later, I'm home. :)

I love days where you have the freedom to do things like that. Sure, I've got washing to do and packing for the next week.... but I'm adament about grabbing the moments to share with people, and to just go with the flow.

Jackie and I hardly see eachother these days - what with her crazy schedule we often find ourselves saying "see ya.... ummmmmmm?"
We've both had the last 2 days at home, and it's been GREAT!

Last night I got home from a swim with another friend, and set to work making pizza for Jackie and myself. Talk about yummy feast. (Wonder if it made the swim redundant? hehehe) Had one apricot chicken with cream cheese, brie and red pepper and the other had a mango and peach chutney with chicken, red pepper, cream cheese and avocado. Again... when it's so easy to make a gourmet pizza like that at home - I can't understand why we ever get so lazy as to go out and buy them?! hehehe.
After stuffing ourselves, we decided to go for a walk to get an icecream.

Now, by this stage it was close to 10, so we had to walk down to a garage.... figure by the time we got home, we actually deserved the ice cream!!! We also stoped and picked up a dvd.

I have no idea how I managed to stay awake.... I'd been awake till 3 the previous morning talking to a friend of mine on the phone - which was silly, but so good at the same time! I'd felt like a zombie for most of the day... caught abit of a nap, but kind of woke with a freight at the idea that I needed to be at the pool right then, so it all felt redundant?!

Regardless, watch the dvd we did.... Ains got home, ate pizza and watched with us... and in the end, everyone ended up in my room with great discussion about the next concert in the park, picnics, parties, and in the end, Dating and flirting!

Yes... I know, quite the conversation to be having.

On that note.... we were talking about whether it was actually Godly to flirt?! Opinions people?
And then, the classic question... how does one go about finding someone? And is it our job to hunt, or do we keep busy, and trust that God will do His thing? hehe.
I'll share my opinion later. I'm most curious as to what others think.

Right... packing, here I come.

God Bless you guys! And, thanks so much for the encouraging words.... you are all just simply AWESOME!

stuck in a moment...

realising how stuck i've been....

so, slowly climbing out of the hole that has been getting steadily deeper.

And as I sit here listening to some sounds, it would seem the most appropriate song has come on.

"time to open the shadows of your heart, and it's time to move on.... Cause it's a great time to live, and it's time to stand up and be counted. Well it's a great time to live and it's time to stand up and be counted on. And it's a long long road to carry on I gotta stand up and be counted on, and it's a long long road and I've got to be strong."

A good ol' kiwi band! Have to say we do have some great ones here. Just a pity that they don't get to be heard over yonder very often.

I'll stick it up later today, so you can groove with me. hehehe. What a funny concept that is!

OK... bare with me, my head seems to be a jumble of random thoughts right now, and I guess it's all going to come falling out on here now. I'll try and keep some kind of structure, really. :)

I was chatting with a photographer online the other night. Interesting character. He found my blog and had some positive things to say about some of the pics I've got up here. Blew me away. While it's something I love, and I can look at some of them and go, yeah, that's pretty good. I don't actually have any idea as to whether they are any good? So, was nice to get some outside feedback. I grabbed some books out of the library the other week, and realised how much I actually have to learn. I've always been one of these people who doesn't worry about the basics and just jumps in. If I'm lucky I'll float.
Soooo... I'm floating along with it all now, but realise how much I actually have to learn. Wondering about taking a course somehow? Might have to be a weekend one, or something. Bit hard doing anything when I'm away every other week.
We'll see. For now, I'll just keep reading, picking people's brains and learn as I go that way. I've a friend who's brother is a photographer here, mainly wedding stuff, but I'd love to hang out with him. It's been said that I'm a postcard photographer, and while that's lovely... I WANT MORE! Especially to be able to catch the slice of life ones - if that makes sense. I'm not very good at seeing things in a fluid way, and seeing how a moment in passing can be framed? Something to work on.

While I was away last week, I was actually following a car rally. Every year a group jump in their old cars and drive down to Invercargill for a week of bonding over their bonnets. There were some totally gorgeous cars out and about. This one I thought was a perfect chitty chitty bang bang. Wrong colour, yes.... but there was still something super cheeky about it. :)
The tales that car would be able to tell... I'm sure. Older cars certainly have more character!

in action....

just this

hay wire....

my eyes are down.....
i'm not racing for the prize....

i'm swaying like a reed in the wind, and i feel like the wall I'm putting up around me is 10 feet high.

i keep making really stupid decisions. i keep looking behind me, and getting distracted by the things in and of the world.

trying to understand...

or explain?

As I get older, I seem to be getting more paranoid, more frustrated, more emotional, more anxious, more uncertain and unsure of myself.

I guess in the back of my mind it all shows a complete lack of faith.

And that causes me more heartache.

I can't remember if I ever posted about getting a Christmas card from Bruce's mother; Dee? We're not the greatest at keeping in touch these days, but have managed to at least keep up the Christmas card thing. I still think of her all the time, but I guess I've been trying to let go of that part of my life - gently.
Anyway... normally we don't talk about Bruce, and that's all fine and dandy with me. This year, not really much about him in the letter, but to completely blow me away, she sent a picture of the two of them.
I didn't really think much about it, but this last few days I've been having dreams about him. Yeah... forgot to mention with age I'm becoming more crazy!
I woke up at 4 this morning, and for some reason, the feelings I had were all related to what I fool I was. Not only did I let him break my heart once, but twice! And why would anyone walk into that whole feeling for a second time - and do it with open arms? So, I must be that stupid. And, by doing that, I've completely done a number on my self confidence.
Now... take into account that this was all almost 4 years ago.
And HOW CAN THIS STILL BE MY REASONING?????

but, going back to the rainy Thursday, and my tear drenched drive home from down south, and you have a prime example of how damaged I am.
why was I crying?
Pretty much the whole, I'm worthless issue rearing it's head.

Now... I know that the root of this goes back to Bruce, and the total feeling of rejection. It's obviously something I'm going to have to keep dealing with, but every time I do feel ok, something bites me.
I don't know if it was the picture which served as a reminder, and then put me on edge for the week, or if something else happened?
But what really got me going was the whole mess up with ben. The whole not being able to get ahold of him, and then not staying down there just left me feeling stink. Like really, I didn't matter to him, and he would rather just hang out with other people. Of course... he didn't say any of that, and I doubt those were really his thoughts at all... but that was what ran through my head. Along with thoughts of, you know, no one really cares, and no one would really miss me, and I'm just unloveable.
It sounds stupid, screwballish and irrational. And for someone who is always there for everyone else, and quite happy to be a cheerleader for everyone, I guess I just felt like, in reality, I don't have anyone cheering me on.

Pretty amazing how in one instant, you can feel so flat, so lost and so pathetic.

Now, the pathetic feelings feed the prideful ones, where it's so hard to talk about it all, and explain what really is running through your head, because your pride just won't let you.
I mean, what would everyone think?!

And as we know... it's always about what everyone else is thinking about you that seems to dictate how you are doing. (The lies that I continue to buy into are astounding when I'm in a clear frame of mind)

I struggled for much of the drive home to not txt ben and ask... am I really not worth having as a friend? or anyone else for that matter. I realised I was falling into that whole - pleasing man state again, and actually... this was between God and myself. I can't keep letting people rule my status as a human being. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I do have worth! Now, i actually need to let God show me that, and trust that he will.

I don't know where that leaves me right now... still swimming... trying to relax, and remain focused on where I'm meant to be, and on how God does actually feel about me.
It will get better!

"So, do not throw away your confidence; it it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised....... But we are not of those who shrink back an dare destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:35,36,39

I hope that makes sense now?! Regardless, this one is between me and God, and there will be victory!


Side note... when ben was up for dinner, we actually talked alot about how we both were in this state of anxiety, which is not like either of us. It was nice to talk, and not be over analysed. I think he just listens, and we move on... and I like that.

monday monday... ahhhhhhhhh

Taken early one morning when I couldn't sleep

I'm so tired. Quite bizarre, because I have been sleeping. Dad woke me up early yesterday, which was lovely. hehehe. Actually, both my parents managed to hang up on me yesterday morning. Rude huh! Sounds like the puppies are just growing up way too quickly. Mum took some photo's the other day - so hopefully I'll get them today? They are climbing up and down the stairs now, and have figured out the cat flap on the garage door... so can go in and out with great flopping style, I'm sure. Wish I was there to play with them!

Quite the social weekend.... and yet, still very productive.
I went out and bought a cordless drill on Saturday! Yes... I feel complete now! (Check list.... relationship with God CHECK Cordless Drill CHECK)
See, complete!
Funny thing though.... 2 years ago, my dad bought my brother's a cordless drill each. I think I got a cd. And I could pretty much guarantee that my brother's haven't used theres, yet I've always wanted one! hehehehe. It's all charged and ready to go now. I'm putting up a shelf for this crazy area I've got in my room.... above where my computer is. Will be perfect for my work folders. :) That's the plan, at least. Painted the shelf yesterday in the colours I'm hoping to do my room in. Need to strip the wall paper soon, and get that all done. The landlord was fine with me doing that when I asked last year..... haven't mentioned again since actually moving into the house - but it's gotta happen. I want to paint the bathroom too. But think I'll just go ahead with that one, and do it for him. It needs another coat and a few holes filled, which is all easy to do. I'll just grab some white anti mold paint one of these days and slap it up. hehehehe. I promise, I won't really slap.

Benny came round on Saturday night... laughed at my proud drill, and then helped me cook up a storm. I love having him around. He's someone who is so cruisy, and just ready to relax and be an idiot with me in the kitchen. It was just one of those nights.... we completely stuffed ourselves, and were going to go see some epic drama filmed in India... but we got carried away, and before I knew it, it was after 9 and we were still eating and talking. Good night though!!
The movie can wait for when he's next up here.... 3 weeks? I've still got venison in my freezer too. He's left it for me, but do I want it? Do I even know what to do with it??? hehehe
Need to talk to him about it for Christmas next year though. :) My brain is working away.

Yesterday I caught up with a friend who's just gotten back from a month in Oz. I dragged her to church with me, and then it was lunch time! Poor girl was not impressed at getting up, when she was still living in Australia time zones. But, I think once she was there, she enjoyed it. Was certainly good to catch up with her. Swimming again tonight! :) (I even managed to get there on Saturday!)

Right, better get moving with the day. I still can't get any shoe to fit my stupid foot. Now just dealing with the itching and it being so swollen that walking on it is sore. Lawns are all cut though now, so shouldn't have any bee problems out there. :) What an awesome Landlord I have!!!!

Hope everyone is keeping out of mischief, and having gorgeous weekends!

crazy days

I've been stung.
It's been almost 14 years since it last happened.... but it would seem, the reaction is much the same.

OUCH!

I would like to think that my pain threshold is up there. That most things don't bother me too much. But here it is. Being stung by a bee.... HURTS!
I admit, it was my fault for going outside without shoes on to hang out the washing. That I was not looking where I was putting my feet, and that there is/was an awful lot of clover on the back lawn. BUT.... wowzzzers, note to self, PUT ON SHOES!

Anyway... my foot is swelling at a rapid state, and my head is kinda swirling in a mild fashion. All up.... will not be looking for this kind of fun again any time soon.

the remedy....

On this last trip I found a goodie.... yeah, while I was rummaging around the bargin cd bin I found one I'd been searching all over for: Jason Miraz, and get this.... $2.96!!!!
HAHAHAHA... I have to laugh when things like that happen, and it actually happens quite often.

So, the number one song from the cd I thought was quite poignant, following my last post.

"I, I won't worry my life away... hey. I, I won't worry my life away."

It's got to be listened to loudly... sung at the top of your lungs! :) It's a fun kind of song.

anyway... today has been better, though at one stage I jumped in my car, with the intention of going to the grocery store, and somehow just drove around. I guess, I'm feeling kind of aimless right now?! That, and being in a crowd does my head in. I can't believe what a head case I have the capacity to be. I've always been brave, and unafraid of things. Seems the tide has changed, and right now, everything seems to have an element of 'scray' to it.

I got an email from a friend today.... Jill is Tamati's God mother, and who I often stay with when I'm up in Nelson with her husband. They have an organic orchard up there.... and are both just super cool!!
Caught up with her, and her family when we were heading home on boxing day, and she challenged me with the idea of starting up some kind of business by next Christmas... We talked about it abit, but I left her to brain storm up some ideas, and said I would do the same before I caught up with her at the end of the month. It's actually been quite exciting to think about the different things I could do. She emailed today to say she's been thinking about it, and even more certain that I can pull it off, and there is a market just waiting to be broken into.
Sounds very wishy washy there, sorry..... but will update when the plan has taken some form.

Yay for the weekend, and maybe getting to sleep in? I'll go swim in the afternoon, I think.

Hope everyone is keeping toasty warm, and the weekend is sweet.

Arohanui. xx

blah

Everything aches, and feels upside down and round and round... and somewhere, i'm swimming amongst it all.
I'm home.... after doing the 14 hour day, and 9, almost 10 hour drive, which will not be happening again. It was just a silly idea.

I realise how completely irrational, and stuborn I can be when something get's into my head. That doesn't make it the right choice though. hehehe.
Will I learn to be wise? One can live in hope!

There were some moments of bliss this week though, and I should focus on those, and not just today - which started with torrential rain, and ended in tears which mimicked the rain pelting on the windscreen.
Also... not a good idea to drive when your dealing with rain and tears.

On that note... time to let sleep work its wonders.

me.

taking off....

This was one of the tunnels we walked through - a part of the old gold mine, which was running along from the stream in the other picture. It was such a beautiful walk. I used to do it every year with kids from summer camp. It wasn't the best track to walk.... and just followed a pipeline up to a water hole, which was fantastic for swimming in.
It's all completely changed now. They've made the track super wide now, where once, you had to cling to the rocks. hehehe. Yeah, i look back and wonder what we were thinking with all those wild kids. Still... good days.
The day we walked it was just perfect. Super sunny, but not tooooo hot. Alot of the walk is through bush anyway.... and the way the light danced through the leaves just left me wanting to explore more. It was stunning.

Onto today.....

I'm not ready!!! hehehehehe

Like, really not ready.

My nice clean room - not so clean any more. I spent Thursday/Friday doing paper work, and it's kind of managed to find itself nicely spread around my room. Of course, half of the paper work actually needs to come with me tomorrow too. I really need an office. hehehehe.

So... guess I'd better get moving pretty quickly. It's getting later, and it's an early start tomorrow.

I've got the camera packed, and I'm ready to go snap happy. Who knows what I'll find this time I'm out and about. Haven't actually booked my last night yet, either. Was wondering about trying somewhere different. We'll see. I do so like my little place in Arrowtown, but in a way, I do feel like I should be a little more adventuress. Can't hurt to try somewhere new once in a while. :)

Stories to follow, I'm sure.

Much love.
xx

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts..."

sunset beach....

This was my first beach..... where Grandad taught me to catch waves and to body surf. Where I burnt my feet on the hot, black sand. And it was where I could go to get away from things that I didn't understand.

My grandparents had a bach (Pronounced batch - a kiwi beach house) at Port Waikato... where the Waikato river meets the sea at Sunset beach. Looking back, I was incredibly blessed. The bach was there to be used, and I was trusted to go up there with my friends for weekends. It was awesome. From when I was 16, there were 4 of us that would often head up there for a weekend of cards, fish and swimming. I think back to me being 16, and how it sounds so young, but I guess the friends that I was out there with were all older than me, and perhaps thats why I was allowed to go? (In hindsight I do believe that I was always the more mature regardless!! hehehe)

We had a blast. Nig and I took the Canadian out one weekend, and were going to row from up the river. Alas.... should have checked the tide before we had this brilliant scheme. It was coming in at the time, and the current was just too strong, and Nig being the army guy and myself - both pretty strong, ended up going across the river, and towing the canoe up the river to the point where we then rowed to the other side. It was hillarious. Such memories. :)

I had my 19 birthday there, with a huge group of friends, and it was the following weekend that the bach officially changed hands. I stood on sunset beach with tears streaming down my face at the loss. My grandparents had decided to sell... and I guess it was wise. They both died within the next year.

I'd not been back since that day until a couple of weeks ago. Alot of the old beach towns have become huge developed places now, with the old bach's been pulled down and huge houses put in their place. I couldn't stand the idea that the same thing had happened to the Port. It hasn't. It's pretty much the same little place, with the one dairy, two fish n'chip stores and wharf to fish from. It's really, quite perfect. While everyone around me is buzzing about buying a house - the idea of having somewhere else, where I can escape to grabs me more. I want a little piece of land, yeah... but I want it to be a place where people can run to, to breath and soak up life. Maybe I'll have both one day.... but a bach would be more my style now.

I was really the only grandchild to get to have those moments... my other cousins are all much younger than me, and I guess I've realised how much fun we would have had, or how much chaos it would have been later on - when we'd all ended up there for a weekend. hehehe.... but I would so love to give my kids - should I have any somewhere like that. :)

lazy

I can't seem to get back into the swing of the blog thing - or the work thing!

It is still good to be home, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by life. Next week should really rock my world when I have to go away for the week. hehehe.

Going to try hard and be inspired tomorrow, and even try and catch up on the rest of the world! Sorry I've been so slack though. Please know I've missed everyone, and you are all in my prayers and thoughts!

Much love.

xxoo

everyone....

We decided to put the three "Ladies" in chairs up the front. Royal, huh. hehehe. They realised afterwards that we were giving them the "Old" look. When mum saw the picture though, she liked it!

ok... stories....

Christmas morning.....

I could start from Christmas Eve, when everyone pretty much arrived, but I could get very long winded, and you may very well get bored! hehehe

So, the big day!
(Mr Eddie - I did actually think at certain times in the day - arhhh... I should have brought a note book! hehehe. I shall try to remember all the good bits for you though!)





It was a stunning day! Later we were to learn that actually, the rest of the country pretty much had rain and horrible winds. Not us. We sat, obliviously in our little paradise.

Started our day with breakfast outside.... in fact, we ate all our meals outside over Christmas. Ros and Hugh have the most gorgeous setting for our huge family gatherings. Actually...... amazingly enough - all three sisters have perfect houses for these things. I think my parents have the smallest house, and yet, we always manage.

Eventually everyone was up and moving, and we all headed off to church. Interesting! hehehe. We sang a whole lot of carols, which was lovely... don't think I had sung any before that. Afterwards, it was actually a flurry of txt messaging. You don't get any cell phone reception out at Ros and Hughs.. and while we were in church, all our phones had gone mad with merry christmas messages. quite funny.

From there... it was home again, jigidy jig, for a scrumptious lunch.
We were waiting for a cousin and husband to drive up still before the real fun could begin. They arrived as we were setting up the "Golf Tournament". Very serious as far as the draw for who was going to be paired up with whom, and then the actual draw.
I scored Uncle Hugh for the event.



This was where it was getting super serious. We ended up having a 3 way final. Dad and Kirstin, Catherine and Sam and Hugh and myself. Total madness. Oh, and no, it didn't all happen on Christmas day this year. We held the final on boxing day, which was another stunning day!
So - the golfing tounrament was won by Dad and Kirstin, Hugh and I came second and then Catherine and Sam. Hillarious rounds, and quite a difficult course that Jeremy, Tamati and I think Andrew put together for us. Looking forward to next years opportuinty. Dad has become the leader now, winning 4 years. (Once with me)

Present opening was a mass of paper. We were all squashed into one small room. The whole secret Santa thing prooved to be hillarious for Josh, who ended up with Canadian Kate - or Katie woowoo as I call her. He scored this mighty fine T-shirt. :)



Gorgeous, huh! I'll start taking orders for more of the same. She's taught me all her tricks. We figured it would be the perfect t-shirt for him to wear at the building site where he's working. hehehe.

From there it became very much a frenzy. Gifts flying, paper everywhere, and Tawhai had just started crawling - so he was LOVING it!

Dinner was superb. We sat outside with our crackers and crazy hats on, and stuffed ourselves. Though - remembering that it's summer... you don't honestly feel like going overboard with food. Lots of salads - my favourite - Mum's bean salad. YUMMY stuff. There was loads of food... and I'm sure they would have been eating ham for days afterwards.


The three sisters; Bridget, Anne and Ros

After that... more chaos with the Present bag. Or as Kate likes to call it - the Taking Game!
Since it came from her, we let Kate and her neice; Hannah take over again this year. And wow... did they find some beautiful surprises. (hmmmm... how does one pull of sarcastic on this thing?)
They had flown via Malaysia and the UK on their way here... and all the goodies came out from their travels. We had the whole sweet/sour crazy dried fruit candy.... just nasty! cd's, old tapes, Angel antanae things, Sequined top, fake teeth, pack of 20 tooth brushes - what everyone needs! All sorts of crazy treats. So - we went around the circle and then, back again. It got pretty serious, and a little heated between my dad and Jiljane - who had appropriately scored herself some fantastic fake teeth. (She's a dental hygienist)Dad had scored a CD - of Sarah McLaughlin. (They had very cleaverly only managed to bring over CD's of Canadian artists! hehehe. In the end Dad scored, and Jiljane ended up with the teeth again. I scored the neew Alanis accousitic cd. YAY! :)

This was Ellie's win! She wore it to a 70's New Years eve party.


And Sam - who I think looks particularly brilliant! :) And almost angelic.


Dessert followed... yes, more food! And what treats!! Ros pulled out Grannies chocolate mousse, which I absolutely adore. And Mum's wonderful Rhubarb Fool. Life doesn't get much better. Oh, but wait. When Mum and Ros were over in Europe earlier this year, they visited a friend of ours in Italy... and found the wonderful Lemoncello. :) So, Ros, being the resourceful thing that she is made some for us!
YUMMY!

I'm going to give it a go soon.

That pretty much sums up the day. Fabulous and most blessed time with the family and friends. It was so good to have Kate back again. Had been 8 years since she was last over, and I was over in the States then... so haven't seen her in 11 years.

I'll leave you with this picture. Not a great example of the Native New Zealand Christmas flower(Pohutikawa), but they had all flowered rather early this year. Gorgeous bright red flower which grows along the coast... stunning on the beaches up north. We don't get them much down here. I did find some in San Fran, which was a buzz. hehehe

cute!

A couple of days before I left. Too cute!

I'm back......

Had to start it all off with a picture of one of the puppies. This was in the first week that I was up on the farm. By the time I had left they were running around, playing, chewing eachothers ears and hassling their mother. Everyday they grew up a little bit more. Just adorable. I shed a tear to leave them, knowing I actually wouldn't be seeing any of them again.
Ahhhhhh.... life!

happy new year!!!

Really hoping that this works!! My parents computer has to be the most unreliable computer around! Most frustrating. I've stoped even trying to get my emails.

I did want to try and post a quick happy new year to you all though! Hoping and praying that everyone has been having a fantastic holiday - wherever you've been, and regardless of the weather for you all with snow. :)
We had a gorgeous day up north - which of course I'll have to write about later. Regret to inform that I didn't win the trophy back though! Gutting!! hehehe. Did make it through to the final though, and it was kept in my immediate family - Dad and Kirstin won it! (Kirstin was pretty determined to beat me!)
It was pretty funny.

So, it's been a busy time, and now I'm into the farm stuff, after spending the first week driving around with JJ, which was totally gorgeous. We managed to do all these loops around the North Island, with hardly any double up, and in a pretty relaxed fashion. Alot of the country side I haven't seen in years! Pics to come.

I'm back at home on Thursday - so will have my computer back to relish in all the catch ups!

Peace, Love and Blessings!!

* Thanks for the note, Neo. I promise I'll catch up when I'm home. :) hugs

** next day, and still trying to post. hehehe