Whew...

Sunday afternoon always seems to be nap time. And at the same time - because it's the last day of the weekend.... I so don't want to spend it sleeping. hehe.
Still....

Had a fantastic day yesterday up at Hanmer..... bonding with the flatmates.... realising how very different we are - and how I am stuck between the two groups that we seem to have. Story of my life.... I am this "middling" age thing. I have two flatmates who are older then me by a few years, and two who are younger than me.... Bonus - I get to float between the two. Unfortunately I sometimes feel so like I don't belong in either group - which is true enough, and not something that really bothers me, but it became obvious yesterday again... when I was trying to figure out who I was supposed to go off and do things with. hehe. I was on the water slides with the younger girls, then walking with the older two. I should probably be super grateful that I can blend in with either. But at the same time it reminds me of growing up with all my cousins. From David onwards all the cousins on my mothers side are all paired up, and grouped pretty well. I'm the oldest girl - with two older cousins - both guys. So.... I didn't really blend too well there.

Too often there are moments where I don't feel like I'm where I'm actually meant to be.

I don't know how to explain that one.

Growing up I always had friends from totally different groups..... I could swing between the older students at high school, to the musos, to the arty ones, to the more "nerdy" ones. Thinking about it all now - I guess I did that because I was none of the above! haha. I was never excluded from any of the groups, but never felt like I actually fitted into any given one.
Perhaps that was just because I lacked trust in any of them, or that I feared rejection?

I don't know.

I know that I'm much the same now. I long to have close friends, and yet fail miserably at letting people into my life. If people ask the right questions, I'll generally answer them with honesty, but if they don't - I think I'm quick to believe that they just aren't interested, and so offer little for them to grab onto.
Bit hard to build any kind of relationship. That's not to say that I don't have people in my life... again - I have lots of different friends, from so many different walks....
The ones that I'm most open to though, are the ones who aren't actually around. Why is that? I have friends back in Kentucky, Canada, UK and other parts of NZ that I am probably considerably closer to than the ones in Christchurch. Doesn't make for easy getting together. hehe. I can't just go and hang out with them at any given moment. And I guess that's what i miss the most alot of days.

I'm perfectly happy doing things on my own..... and am pretty self-reliant and confident. Adventures on my own are fantastic... movies, dinner.... a breeze....

BUT... I guess I do miss having company.

The thought of moving back to Canada is one that I am entertaining pretty highly, and will have to get serious about soon enough. BUT, I always thought that the next big move overseas wouldn't be on my own. ha!
I'm not worried about it hugely..... and won't let something like that get in the way of me doing something that I think I'm supposed to do.... I just look forward to having someone to share things with.... the whole - WOW!!! Check that out! when your on your own, just isn't quite the same. hehe


Not sure where I was going with that one.... round and round?

Ultimately, worrying about it doesn't make an ounce of difference.... I can let it all go, and just keep moving forward. Everything always works out!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heats and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

off I go.... need to check out the BLUE MOON! :o)