Saturday, July 31, 2004

sunshiney day....

Whew, it's Friday night!!

Yes, another week gone, and I'm home alone. Love it.... having the place to myself after a busy day. Friday's always seem to turn manic, just when you think it's all about to end. Quite amusing... and keeps me on my toes. :o)

Got an email from my Mum last night....  my Nana was diagnosed with a brain tumour a couple of weeks ago.  Not the news that anyone wants to hear. The email was just letting me know that she's starting radiation therapy next week. YUK! There is a part of me that wants to zoom up there right now and be with her, and another part of me that just wants to hide away from it all - and not bother going up at all.... I want to remember her the way she is in my mind, not as she is becoming. My brother scared me by telling me that her memory is going, and that she finds it hard to talk. I don't want to acknowledge that she is getting older, and that soon that part of my life will be gone.
Seeing my other Granny go through chemo and radiation was enough for me. By the time she died, she wasn't my granny, but someone in her skin.... so small and frail, and my granny was always larger than life. I guess in facing this you realise that your parents are getting older. My Dad is 55 now. My Tupu was dead by his age now. Scary!
Granny went into a coma the day before she died.... and I was up there with some of my cousins and my mum and aunts. We all spent the day with her.... taking turns to read to her, and just say goodbye. I can't believe how much it actually hurts to remember that day. I read her Winnie the Pooh, and bits of Danny the Champion of the World, which was one of her favourite stories. She was such a huge part of my life. It was after she died that I really went to being called CJ. We have this funny tradition in our family - where the name Christina goes from first to second name.... my grannies name was Christina - my mother's middle name is Christina, my first name Christina - and should I ever have a daughter - she will have it as her middle name.
Anyway.... I've always been Christy with my family on that side, and Granny was Tina.
After Granny died, I didn't want to hear the name anymore. It was easy changing to CJ since my Dad called me that, and my brothers.... I ran overseas, and it just stuck. Half of my friends don't even know that my name is Christina.
With work it's getting easier being Christina again.... kind of funny having this alter ego. :o)

Sooooo... dealing with the whole idea of death, and changes. Knowing there is a grand scheme in it all....
I still don't like it!


Me Posted by Hello


YAY!! It's Friday.

Sure,  it's Friday morning, and I still have to get through the day ahead, but good to know that the weekend is just around the corner. Since I really do love my job, it shouldn't be so hard to bare -  this week has just been a little more stressful than most others.

Anyway.... tomorrow it's been decided that we, as a flat, are going to head up to Hanmer for the day.

Firstly I guess I should explain that I live in a house with 4 other girls, and we all go to the same church. The house started up over a year ago as a kind of discipleship house...
If God wasn't involved, I know I wouldn't have survived this long living with that many girls. I've always prefered living with guys. Still - it's a great house,  and we do have alot of fun together.

So tomorrow is a day of catch up, and just relax. I'm so looking forward to just hanging around the pool. Hoping there will be some snow around for us too! :o)

Meanwhile.... today must be the day to ask about a job! Scary stuff... and at the same time - what's there to lose? I can't stay where I am, doing what I'm doing..... I will go nuts! (That's become more apparent in the last week!)
So.... time to get out there, and get brave!

Meanwhile, emails from overseas keep coming in. hehe. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OH - the tulip escapade didn't quite go to plan last night. Seems we'll have to work abit harder at this one. hehe. Tonight - been invited to go see Beauty and the Beast. :o) haha. I don't know that I've ever even seen the movie? Did see it on Ice back in Kentucky... movie has to be better - right?! Not sure if I'll make it out there yet.... shall see.


Friday, July 30, 2004

rain, rain go away....

Woke up super early this morning to some serious weather going on outside my window. Yes... inspires a day of being snuggled up on the couch with a good book, the fire roaring away.
Alas.... work is waiting.  :o)

Funny how, as the week goes, it gets harder for me to jump out of bed. I wish I could wake up with a HUGE amount of energy, and feel like I could take on the world!! As it is, I have the mindset to take on the world, but the exhaustion carries on. Last bloods showed the same as always..... frustrating! Still.... gotta love the pill poping freenzy I can go into. hehe

No huge thoughts this morning.... except I was reading very quickly this morning about how when things are bad, we need to remember there is this place of still and peace just above all the cloud. It's so easy to get stuck in the grey muck, and not press into the good stuff. gets easier the more self involved we are - and I know that's not my style - but certainly seem to have been more so than ever before! Yuck! So, changes.

I forgot to bring some work home last night - so gonna have to zoom in, and zoom back here again this morning. YAY!
Somedays are just abit more blonde than others. (where did I put that dye?)

Oh.... hot date tonight!!! :o)
The forcing Tulips escapade is about to get serious. Anyone have any ideas for us - please share!! hehe. Such amature gardeners about to take on this mighty task. CRAZY! If we can get anough tulips for one table, it will be worth while!!

Right. Enough babble..... slowly waking up it would seem.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004



another facet of my life..... singing.

I think in the middle of the freak out, I doubted myself to such an extreme that I came close to convincing myself that, while it's something I love, and a passion - I didn't want to do it anymore.
Tonight was a moment. We have VLI on Tuesday nights.... and Jacx and I do alternate weeks for leading Praise and Worship. So, I spent this weekend wondering about whether or not I should actually be standing up there? I wondered if my heart was in the right place and if I was actually even capable of it right now. Knowing my emotions, and how they like to get away from me at the most oportune moments! hehe.
Anyway.... last night I pretty much realised that it was a moment where I could step up in faith, and know that, if my heart was right and focused, then it would all be fine.
I guess it shows that my faith isn't really all it should be.

It's always these moments though where you realise how small we are, and how blessed we are to have a loving Father! Tonight was brilliant. It was hard, but it flowed, and the group was united, and the Spirit moved in that place.
Had nothing to do with me.... and everything to do with God.

So... small steps, and more learning how to hand things over.



about to run off to work, but was challenged last night to make this a place where I really spill what is going on in my head, and in my heart.

I would like to think that everyone would understand why that is such a HUGE ask. hehe. Yes, also understand that not everyone needs to get everything out of their head, and onto screen - so, maybe the answer is no.... not everyone would understand that?!

For me, it's huge. I've always kept a journal - at least from the time I was 8, and was on holiday with my parents. OK, I wasn't quite the overthinker that I am now at that young age... but I've always written down the things that have been going on in my life.
Back then, I even did little drawings to really express myself. hehe. Actually, have such vivid memories of always having a book and pencils with me whenever we went somewhere. Yeah, typical you might think..... but I have this super vivid picture of me sitting on some boulders by a stream when I was probably 7, and just watching my family, drawing the scenery as best I could, and thinking about it all. Maybe I have always been a "thinker"?

I've always had a thing about people.... wanting to really know them, but also having huge expectations of them as well. I got wound up this weekend.... in part because I was asked some big questions, and made to think... but it was also that the people that I've grown close to, and seem to sound every other thought off of were busy.... and so, not there for me. At least, thats the way it felt. Did I bother to mention to any of them that I needed to talk. NO! That would have required me to have admited that I needed  them, of sorts, and would have also meant that I would have had to think a little bit more about what I was feeling. I'm not always good at that. Knowing that there are feelings running through my head is one thing.... knowing that these feelings are bringing me down, that's another thing.... but formulating those feelings into sentences that make sense. Totally beyond me at the time.

It pretty much led me to a place of issolation.... a place that I managed to make worse for myself by not opening up.

I was asked what it was that I hated about myself..... and out of all of these things, which could I not actually change? Ouch!

So..... it's going to be another thoughtful day.... it's one thing to actually recognise the things you are struggling with, and another to actually take them and work on them.

And so, the process of becoming me again begins..........

Good thing I've got work to keep me distracted! :o) 


Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Tonight, tonight.....

What a day.....

I actually fell asleep on my bed before dinner, which is something I don't think I've ever done.

ARHG!!! lol. People drive me nuts! Seriously... totally nuts!

I don't quite now where to go with that one..... I guess I have too high an expectation? Bad juju.

On that note. I'm just going to go to bed!

No big thoughts, just frustration. madness, huh.


Monday, July 26, 2004

and so....

Would you believe that I'm back again, so quickly.

It's been an exhausting day.... yeah, I've been sitting here for much of the afternoon.... but emotionally, I feel as though I've been put through the wringer several times over. I'm not quite sure I understand what it is that I'm having to deal with. Or maybe it's that I just want to avoid analysing myself for a change?

Obviously there are huger issues there than I would care to know about, or wish to acknowledge. Typical, huh. In order to get through it all, I know I'm going to have to face up to it all. hehe... so another couple of weeks of feeling blah, I'm sure.

I was asked the question yesterday - do I not feel loved at all?

What a question..... but worse.... my answer.......

What is it to be loved? What is it to feel loved?

I can't believe that this is going out there.  Maybe that's the great thing.... out into the void....
I'm just getting it out of my system. I hate the idea that people might feel sorry for me, or want to try and help me - I don't know how that's possible. I don't think there is anything that anyone can do, and I don't want that. I just want to amble on.... and figure things out slowly by myself. Thankgoodness I do have people out there who continue to listen to me, and put up with my ramblings.
I do have much to be so thankful for, and right now, I need to get over this - whatever it is, and focus on all that is out there! Life is good! :o)

So... into the void.....


Sunday, July 25, 2004

And so it begins.....

Yes, I thought, while I'm busy putting together a new web site - that having something like this to go along with it would infact, be all good!
I have a couple of friends who like the idea of being able to read my journal - which may, or may not happen, but for the moment, thisi would have to be the next best thing. You never know what I may start spilling here?! :o)

Anyway.... going to get back to the web site, but good to know this is the start of something new.

Bare with me here.

Kia kaha,